being social

In a nutshell I really dislike being social.  It feels awkward, and most of the time it sends me into panic or anxiety.

I would say there were at least three phases in my life socially

Younger - I really didn't want to talk to people unless I had to. I had zero confidence.  I wanted to do my best to disappear.  If I opened up my mouth, people would know I was there and give them a chance to say something mean.

Now, some people were mean and they meant it.  I've been told its not always mean. I just never saw it that way.  If people said something, even in joking, I always thought there was truth behind it.

People say good things.  Sure they do, again that is what I have been told.  Again, I just don't see it that way. My mind says if someone is saying something good, they are lying or setting me up for a joke, or just saying something they don't mean to be nice.

College - I gained confidence, was around more people like me. Because of my school, I had to talk more. I gained confidence in talking.  Getting an A or B helped me know that, yes I am good enough.

I still felt the same way about people. They are mean.

Now - I've still gained confidence, with my job, teaching and martial arts I've seen results to make me feel good. Overall I feel better than my other phases. But I still revert and feel like my old self.

Recently I've tried being more social online, joining fitness groups.  I feel so dumb posting.  I lament to post, and beat myself up for whatever I say. 

I find myself saying.. this is all stupid, I should get off Facebook and just stop talking to people. It would be a lot easier.

The best way to explain how I feel that some people can relate too, is that it feels like an itchy sweater.  An itchy sweater that happens to be my own skin.  I can't get out of it, I just itch and itch. 
So many times I just have to wait to feel better about a post, a conversation, etch. Sometimes I pull myself away.  At work I didn't attend a group for three months, because the last time I was in there people laughed at me.  I just didn't want to feel that way at work.

In a nutshell, I dislike being social.  Very much so.

Train ride

Riding train to Salem....

end of week 3

This week I have been thankful for "normal work hours". Going home to rest and sleep.
Yesterday I rode my new bike for my first time, and went to classes.  Didn't do much but it felt good to be there.

Today I applied for my passport - they said it should be 3 weeks.
Fingers crossed

Week 3

Gah,  I haven't been very good at posting.

Or keeping up on my PIYO workout...
Or much of anything.

This project has sure taken a lot out of me.

Today I am hoping to get out at a decent hour..go home..and rest.

I am thankful that though my body is falling apart..that it is not nearly as bad as before.
My hope is to rest and give my body a chance to heal

Week 2. Day 2

Today I am thankful that the bird poop falling from the sky barely missed me.

I am hopeful to get my birth certificate soon, and the process to get a passport goes smooth and quick.
Trying not to beat myself up for not having this done sooner, but trying to keep faith that it all will work out in the end.

Being Thankful Week 2

Every time I think about writing on here, I don't cause I feel so far behind. 

Well forget that - lets move on.

One of my goals/objectives is to be thankful for a part of my body/health. I try to be more observant and in the now. Spotted: crossing the street was a man with very short legs, he was trying to move fast, but can't go as fast as other people around him. Today, I am thankful for my long legs.  Though its always been tough to shop for pants, shorts, bathing suits.  I am glad for them, and happy they carry me from point A to point B. They are strong, they have no pain, and someday they will have muscle tone.

new year

Can't believe 2013 escaped us so fast!  Already I am loosing track of 2014.

Overall last year for me was full of ups and downs.  When I was first going to write this, I was going into detail. Now, all I want to do is focus on the now and what is ahead.

What caused this? Getting sick. Again. It cause me to pause.

Unfortunately I am making the mistake of sharing it with more and more people. But in a way I think it might help make me accountable for my actions.

I am halfway through week two of meds, diet change, and LOTS of breathing.

Of course it feels like the biggest stresses are popping up between the school and work.  I keep telling myself it will work out, it will be ok, it is ok.  And I've been doing a LOT of praying/meditation.

Its been a rough start...and I just hope things get better.