On fear...

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” 
― Frank Herbert

Facing the Demons

Tuesday was another bad day for me.
Sunk deeper into this pit I'm in.

Yesterday, it began to break.
Feeling much better.

Now to continue to face these things.

15 days.

Demons

Who knew that 30 seconds of failure would dredge up demons.  To the point where yesterday I was experiencing a minor amount of back pain similar to what I had almost a decade ago.

Emotional bubbles rising to the surface, I think I've started to cry like 5 times in the last 48 hours.

It's not about having one bad day, but the worry I'll have another. Then have to live the rest of my life with the quilt and regret.

I know I keep telling myself, ah if I lose but try my hardest I'll be ok. I know, its not the end of the world or anything, but this means a lot to me.

Got to face it all now and figure out how to get my head on straight...soon.
19 days....

Ups and Downs

just got back from training. regular training went well. 

unfortunately sparring didn't go so well.

was told to go harder and faster and did nothing. my biggest fear.

cried a bit over it.

ugggg

so i am sulking a bit.

Getting Closer!

So, I'll be wearing the Monkol and Flowers (in the pic behind me) along with my MTI shirt from Thailand, Snoopy shorts, and Propajet (arm band).  Will be walking out to the 'Peanuts' Theme song.

Starting to get excited.

Teaching Snoopy

My training partner cut himself on a tuna can Tues so it gave me an opportunity to work with another guy.
I've noticed he liked the Snoopy, so I asked to work with him so he could do it on the mitts.

We had SUCH a good time, it was awesome.  He was also able to give me a good workout so that was sweet.

A couple came in for their first class. Think they liked it. They also saw a little bit of Snoopy so I might have a few more fans.

Sweet.

Ah..

So, went to get a 'tune up' on Saturday, my body is like 'woah' right now especially since i did a workout this morning.

Friday I left early, I think it was a combination of over-training and undernourishment.  So this morning, I made sure to pack lots of snacks so it doesn't happen this week.

Feeling pretty good and confident right now.

26 days!

On the card

So I'm officially on the fight card with less than a month remaining.
Feeling a little sick, probably cause I'm overwhelmed, tired, and not replenishing enough.

Today I'm going to rest, give my body what it needs and get myself ready for this final stretch.

Yikes!

Ug

Today feels like a blah day already.

Last night was tough. Talking to people about signing up, when it doesn't go smooth I get self conscious. Hate talking about money.  I feel like the bad guy. Its hard to remember, no money - no mission.  That we really need it now to survive and reach our next goals.

Guess I'm overwhelmed by it. Overwhelmed by everything - work, training...

This morning I didn't do my morning workout, took the morning off. Think I needed it, besides I am tired and sore.  Then, later today is the first day of Karate.  Preparing for the whirlwind.

Hoping as many people come as they say. Just a little more income.

Just trying to overcome the massive sea of emotion, push through and have faith.

32

So its 32 days away now.

Been adding in sprinting, doing a little lifting and it feels good.
Not yet at my goal weight but close...

Still having a rollercoaster of emotions...wondering if I am doing enough.

Looking forward to hitting stuff tonight, hope we get more students.  

Drenched..and it feels good.

Just got caught in the downpour of rain.  Actually felt good.  Sometimes it feels like the weather outside is what is feel inside. Stormy, and wanting to cry.

Talked about that, and other things with a friend today.  Something about talking to them, leaves me feeling nothing but comfortably honest and its helpful. for me to reflect on things that I have long compartmentalized. It feels very much like talking to my sister, that I confide in with so much.

Was saying I don't cry much. Its viewed as weak, or a drama.  Here alone in front of this computer, perfect time to cry and all I feel is ache.  

Guess it is because I am so overwhelmed.  In other ways underwhelmed.

Was also talking about KICK and my commitment to the kids...was saying how it helped me when I was sick. been so vested in it cause I want to give back. I want to help out the kids that need it. Guess it heals me a little bit too.  Also its gets the 'mothering' part of me nurtured, since a part of me feels I'll never have a family.  

Feel bad complaining about stuff, when I have so much. Family that loves me, roof over my head, a job, food, a passion (make that two), and of course my health.  But I guess admitting the pieces that are in repair or broken helps. And its helps so I don't keep it in and eventually get sick.

Another thing talked about was my confidence.  OH confidence...my long time friend and foe.  Boy they have NO idea how bad I used to be, they should talk to my dad or sister.  Its ever improving, but from the outside it looks like I have a long way to go.  It is almost that I am more appealing to others with confidence.  Both privately and professionally.  Always struggled with this one cause I don't want to loose my inner core.  The girl that needs nothing more than a hug, no drama, simple. The girl that believes it the little things that count, has compassion, and patience and is giving.

It's another morphing that needs to happen and it will. I think this fight will definitely bring about this change.  Change hurts, but the results can be great.  A big part of me believes this to be true. And I want to continue to grow and change, be that confident woman I know I can.

Have to let go, and it might mean giving up things that I've held onto for so long.  
Life is so very short.  Why not now?

Thirty something

Oh..so...sore.exhausted.stressed.

work is still beyond insane, i can't even begin to catch my breath.
then there is the after-school coming back next week..and the dojo...and training.

needless to say my plate is full.

trying to remain focused, trying not to just give up. reminding myself that this will someday be worth it.

just over a month now til the fight. hoping to see i'm match up soon just so i can breathe a little easier. 

its the final stretch.

in other news, i should be having lunch with a good friend of mine. they are moving away soon. times like these i wonder why i get close to people, it hurts a little when they go away. guess it means i care.

sorry if this post is scattered, my brain feels scrambled.

Ava (the bike) and other updates

Oh MY poor little Ava.  She went in cause she's been acting up. Hoping it was a simple thing, actually was major.  The poor thing needed SO many parts to make her work right.

Last time we went to dbags so we went to Bikes Not Bombs.  So far, I love them and they are awesome.
Its going to set me back a big chunk, but I guess its what I have to do to upkeep my bike.

And my body. Since she hasn't worked right, she's bothered my knees.  Top it off with all the training and probably overworking my IT band and I am hurting a bit.

Anyway she's resting comfortably and in good hands. I can't wait to see her again in a week.  

This week might suck monkey, much like the past two.
The past two weeks I've been helping another team, and my own work piling up.
This week its going to be very busy with two deadlines of my own.

AND training.

Tomorrow, I go get groceries. Stockpile up for the week ahead. Got to get in my protein.

Monday I have off, and going to do strength training, cardio, and sit in the sauna at his work.

Also got LOTS of school stuff to do and prepare for. 

6 weeks left. VERY VERY VERY nervous right now. I wanted to be further along with so many things and freaking out.  On the other had there are areas that I've improved, and I'm happy about that.

Just go to be focused.