Just got caught in the downpour of rain. Actually felt good. Sometimes it feels like the weather outside is what is feel inside. Stormy, and wanting to cry.
Talked about that, and other things with a friend today. Something about talking to them, leaves me feeling nothing but comfortably honest and its helpful. for me to reflect on things that I have long compartmentalized. It feels very much like talking to my sister, that I confide in with so much.
Was saying I don't cry much. Its viewed as weak, or a drama. Here alone in front of this computer, perfect time to cry and all I feel is ache.
Guess it is because I am so overwhelmed. In other ways underwhelmed.
Was also talking about KICK and my commitment to the kids...was saying how it helped me when I was sick. been so vested in it cause I want to give back. I want to help out the kids that need it. Guess it heals me a little bit too. Also its gets the 'mothering' part of me nurtured, since a part of me feels I'll never have a family.
Feel bad complaining about stuff, when I have so much. Family that loves me, roof over my head, a job, food, a passion (make that two), and of course my health. But I guess admitting the pieces that are in repair or broken helps. And its helps so I don't keep it in and eventually get sick.
Another thing talked about was my confidence. OH confidence...my long time friend and foe. Boy they have NO idea how bad I used to be, they should talk to my dad or sister. Its ever improving, but from the outside it looks like I have a long way to go. It is almost that I am more appealing to others with confidence. Both privately and professionally. Always struggled with this one cause I don't want to loose my inner core. The girl that needs nothing more than a hug, no drama, simple. The girl that believes it the little things that count, has compassion, and patience and is giving.
It's another morphing that needs to happen and it will. I think this fight will definitely bring about this change. Change hurts, but the results can be great. A big part of me believes this to be true. And I want to continue to grow and change, be that confident woman I know I can.
Have to let go, and it might mean giving up things that I've held onto for so long.
Life is so very short. Why not now?
Love this post. You have every reason to be confident in yourself. But I know that's easier said that done. It's a struggle every day for me too. All we can do is our best and to make each day a new day. Say goodbye to yesterday and try our hardest not to dwell on it. Love you.
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