Competition 1 of 3

So it has all been building up to this. Competing as a Brown Belt, winning to earn it. There are three tournaments in about months time. ...And I am 0 for 1 :(

This is what I get for working myself sick...and not practicing to boot.  Though for the hand kata, I was told I did better than the top three. Not only in opinion, but score as well. Guess they don't know how to add.
Its ok though...you reap what you sow.

BUT  the BEST thing happened when they called my division.  I ran to my ring...and everyone followed me. They were so excited to see me and cheer me on. I wish I had done better for them :(

This is an iconic image of Boston..."Make Way for Ducklings" . Have to admit, I have been living in Boston for almost 10 years now and never gave "Make Way for Ducklings" a second thought until recently.  Last weekend I was completely humbled when my division was called, and as I am darting to my place I hear the "karate monkeys" following me so they could watch. There is nothing more enriching than teaching (as often as I can) and watching students learn and flourish.
I will do my best to May Way for our Ducklings...try to set a good example. I want so much for them.

Stop

Been thinking about writing this one for awhile..and have been writing this in bits and pieces

There are many rimes that I would love to shout..."stop making fun of me!!!" But then it would seem like I am a whiny crybaby, a wuss, immature, that I don't have a thick skin...etc etc.  When I do this I revert back into my old shell... the shell of the little girl I used to be.

Even now..it really does get frustrating though. People say they are kidding..and I get that..but what I don't get sometimes is that it feels like its me on that is the target of the jokes. If I join in and fire bad it feels like I am being mean.

It just sometimes feel that no matter the situation...I'm the object of the joke.  It really messes with me. Sometimes it overwhelms me. Many times when it just gets to be too much,  I wish I could just 'poof' disappear..just so it'd stop. Or make people realize how frustrating and sometimes how hurtful it can be.  It also leads me, very often, to not trust people on one level or another.  Especially when I get a compliment..  I am so used to negativity, that I question people's intention whey they give a compliment.  I'm always wondering when the jokes are going to start or when they will start picking me apart.

A few years ago, someone was asking me if I had any 'special' abilities. What I mean by that is..did  I have an awesome memory or can do high math.  I told them no and asked why.  They thought I was slightly Autistic.  What?!?!  I promptly said 'no!', and I'm not autistic.  When I asked him how he thought that, he told me.... He said its my speech and how its fragmented. He knew that people commonly mistake me for a foreigner and thought that my speech was part of it.  He also noted that I never looked him in the eyes.  This is not the first time I've been told I do this.  I was dating a guy that called me a liar cause I couldn't look him in the eye.

In recent years there has been a lot of talk on Autism and Aspergers. They are now realizing it's a spectrum.  I think in one way or another we are all part of this spectrum. A combination of our makeup, upbringing, life makes us in one part or another. Maybe I fit more on the spectrum than others...I don't know...

I honestly feel that I can't look people in the eye... because I'm afraid. When people look in my eyes maybe they will see how insecure and fragile I am and "call me out".  They will know my insecurities and know what they can say to make fun of me.  So very vulnerable.  It was looking in people's eyes that got me beat up in high-school.

It's weird because recently in the dojo we were talking about bullies. I mentioned I was bullied.  People were shocked. They said it seems that I am friendly and confident.  It was the second time in recently I was told this...and it was a nice surprise.  Jeff says "oh you should have seen her when she started martial arts!!"  I promptly respond with  "you should have met me in highschool"  The only people that "get this" in any meaningful way... is my family.

It's weird that even now I can revert back into my old shell sometimes..

5 years

It's been 5 years since you left this earth.  So glad you were a part of our family.  SO much has happened...and I have a feeling you already know....

 I've had three dreams about you.  The first was after you had passed...You were not in it, but my third grade teacher and grandma were talking...(both are passed on) about how you were going to arrive soon...The second  not too long after... mom was having a health scare. I was sitting on the grass and you appeared.  You told me that mom would be fine, and we hugged. Mom was fine, and is doing ok.  The second I don't remember as much, but I know I went to bed thinking heavily about you, missing you. Again I knew as I was dreaming that you were going to be there...and you were. We hugged.  I knew I was waking up, and I had to go to the bathroom. I held as long as I could but knew I we had to part.  I woke up feeling glad. 

I think of you a great deal... wondering what we'd talk about if you were still here, what advice you'd give me. Not too long ago that mom put Rossy to sleep. I sure hope that he is with you.  He's your buddy and you deserve each other.  

We all miss you.

I guess something this... Jeff shared this with me..not too long ago... the words are better fitting

https://www.facebook.com/video/embed?video_id=1421898844702540

Lyrics...

What does it look like in heaven
is it peaceful and free like they say
does the sun shine bright forever
have your fears and your pain gone away

cause Here on earth it feels like everything.. good is missing, since you left
here on earth everything is different, there is an emptiness

I hope your dancing in the sky
I hope your singing with the angels choir
I hope the angels, know what they have
I bet it's nice up in heaven since you arrived

Tell me, what do you do up in heaven
are your days filled with love and light
is there music? is there art and invention
tell me are you happy and more alive

cause Here on earth it feels like everything.. good is missing, since you left
here on earth everything is different, there is an emptiness

I hope your dancing in the sky
I hope your singing with the angels choir
I hope the angels, know what they have
I bet it's nice up in heaven since you arrived

Heartbroken

09/08/13

I am so so so very heartbroken.  Its so very hard to but into words how much I hurt right now. Our guys lost last night.  I am just numb.

Before the fight I was almost as nervous as I was for my own. After  the fights and after seeing them loose, I feel like somebody I love just passed away. 

Many people think this is stupid, exaggerating or whatever.  If they say this, my first thought is they don't know.  Or they don't care.

Fighting changes you. Watching others fight now, is so different.  Watching them lose, I feel like we let them down.  That they will never come back, not want to try again.

This hurts and hurts. 

6am.

Update 3pm.... dull ache. Wish it went different.  I wish I knew how to help them.  Wonder if they will work with me more. Wonder if they will come back...

I know its just a fight. We can't win them all.  But fighting reaches part of you that make you who you are. Maybe even parts you didn't even know existed.  You are faced with it and somehow you have to tread through it all....

I won. I felt like I did terrible. Felt like I lost. I had a hard time coming to grips with what I just did. As soon as the bell rung I went into 'fight or flight' and I just fought and fought and fought some more.  Looking back now I feel better about it.  And now...I want to go do it again.

Right now, I am facing the downside of being a teacher.  When the student looses.  I've seen Jeff's fighters win or loose but never have I felt so connected. It was a year ago I did it too. I've helped coach these guys.  One - since day 1.

Its going to be so hard for them to come back into class, I hope they do. I know our group is a bunch of guys that have a lot of respect.  So that part is good.
Hopefully they heal from injuries (mental and physical) and hopefully they train again and go out there again for redemption.

I know time will help me. I need to let it feed my own drive.  Do the things I need and want to do for myself.

They say...

They say... that you can search for signs...or sometimes they SCREAM at you in the face. And if it's too late...it burns a little.  Let me explain.

I've been ready to test for like 8 years.  6 years ago (when they were switching the system) I took a test thinking "okay lets do this". I failed. I let it go.

Since then I've done so much. I passed the LEED. I've been sick, scared to be terminally ill or disabled by it. I've lost family members.  I've been in the ring in a full contact Muay Thai match.  And along the way I've made some big work achievements

Recently I've started to think I should take these things.  I haven't been able to schedule as there was a black out period.  This week it was lifted.  I went to schedule...and couldn't. My authorization is so old that it lapsed.  I was upset. So phone calls and emails went out.  The lady that held the key said "why should I help you" and "I'm the only one here and don't know what to do". For a moment I thought..I can never test.  I was furious.  I prayed. I told Jeff, and he prayed.  A few hours later an email from the stubborn lady is in my inbox, giving me permission to extend my authorization.  I scheduled my first exam right away.  October 21st.

That day I told myself...its been long enough its time to just get these done.

In other news...I've known for quite sometime that to achieve Black Belt I need to get stronger, and look the part.  When talking about Muay Thai, I can achieve Kru (teacher)...if I was stronger and looked the part.  I've known for a year that if I want to fight again...I need to be stronger....  The trifecta of SCREAMING signs.  And last night came the burn.

Two of our students have their first fight this weekend. Jeff was saying how people have been dropping their fights and that is why everyone should be ready, if they want to fight, as things pop up last minute.  Yesterday Jeff tells me there is a Girl, at my weight that had her competitor drop out.  I could have fought this weekend.  BURN.

It's SO weird.  After my fight, I considered walking away from Martial Arts. I never wanted to do that again.  The training and the fighting, it changes you. Slowly but surely I got back into it. Teaching helped A LOT! I've been telling myself for a few months I want to go back in there. Recently with helping these guys with their fight, that urge has got REALLY strong.  Last night when I hear about this girl. I was so upset I could cry.  It's this feeling like "I have to go back"  (think Jack from LOST "We have to go back Kate!") BURN BURN BURN.


Today I am really sore...and I know I have a LOT on my plate. Last night I said to Jeff "my health is good, but I feel like one wrong turn and who knows, I have to fight for that next level like I did when I fought to get healthy"

Somehow I got to figure out a way to achieve these things screaming in my face.

Recently I ordered a Brown Belt, I fully intend on competing with it and winning.  Step 1.  and....October 21 is my first test. Step 1.

Dear

Dear Stella and Vera,

Recently you two started to go to "school". My oh my time is flying... It was just yesterday you two were born. Already your personalities are forming and shaping. You have the best life around you in a world that is full of both happy and sad. There is so much you know that the rest of us had forgotten, so much you are teaching us. There is oh so much more that you will see.

Change.  It can be tough.  There is the saying that the only thing constant is change. So much of  life is your outlook on change. Never forget you have the most amazing powers to create change. It tough being away from home. From mom. She misses you too. You are small eagles and you are beginning to  learn how to fly. Your wings are powerful. No matter what. Mom and all of your family is with you. Guiding you, supporting you and cheering you on.

I write this from over 700 miles away. My heart aches knowing how much i am missing out on. In my gut, I know I am meant to be here. At least for.now.  I think of you all the time and if i knew you needed something, anything I would do everything in my power to help. Now and always I am supporting you from far away. It's been so much fun hearing about you and reading the blog that tells me about your days and how much you are growing, changing and learning.

Going to your first school is the one of the first of your many adventures in your lives.  There are many to be had, and the possibilities are endless. There is so much you can accomplish, if only you set your mind to it and work hard.  No matter what you may do, I know one thing for sure, you will make your family proud.

You will be big strong eagles.

=)

Gaining steam.

Our summer program is gaining steam! We have had two people sign up with 6 more looking to sign up, hopefully over the next week.  We set out telling ourselves 10 is the magic number, knowing how unlikely we'd be. Having 8 would be tremendous. 

I enjoyed my week off and did a purge type cleaning on the house and first week back at work has been busy but not too crazy.  I've been having trouble with my knees so I went to see 'A'.  He gave me advice and more stuff for chinese tea.  Apparently my liver is acting up.  He also has me re-examine what I am eating. Though I haven't fallen off the wagon, nor am I anywhere near where I was nearly 5 years ago, I haven't been doing my very best.  Jeff has been talking about removing wheat from our diet, so we are going to do that.  It will help both of us in many many ways. I will also focus more on eating all the things I should be, meat, grapes, greens. 

I've done nothing on really training the way I want to train, and nothing I studying for the ARE. BAH!  I know I need to buckle down. It seems like there is always a million other things going on.

After yesterdays treatment, I woke up today sore, tired, and not feeling well. So I took today off. Guess my body needs the down time...

Confidence

It's weird to think I am writing about confidence after blubbering about it feeling so low.  This past week was marked by several deadlines and meetings, all of which I had to do some or all of the speaking for the firm in front of clients and potential clients. Also at one moment I had to talk with the boss which always makes me nervous

Overall I went in with confidence and conviction and with great results.

I remember telling myself to build up the confidence...and I used my experience with Martial Arts to do that.  Particularly karate.

There is so much I want to write about this subject and at some point I will.

For now I will say first that i am so happy that I'm involved in the Martial arts, in karate, and helping kids.  This week I saw once again how it affected me.  So many people think its all about fighting, or kata is crap, or karate competition is crap. Also have seen comments that full contact fighting is crap.  Yes, I fought but I am not out to seek fights. I have all 'bushido' (ways of the warrior) that I carry with me constantly. That is who I am.

Here they are:

1. GI – Right Action, Duty

2. YUUKI – Courage

3. JIN – Benevolence

4. REI – Politeness or Morality

5. MAKOTO – Truthfulness

6. MEIYO – Honor

7. CHUUGI – Loyalty

I went into Muay Thai to de-stress, I went into Karate to help out the kids.
Looking back I don't think I could have ever foreseen how much it would change me.

Juggle

I have been doing lots of juggling lately...work, training, school stuff. I have done it all before but it seems that its compounded with stress. Trying to do my best. I got sick a couple of weeks ago first a cold then sinus, and achy all over. Unfortunately it freaked me out.  With everything going on i have done a great deal of second guessing myself. Confidence seems low. Bummed that i am not doing all the things i should be. Today though exhausted i feel well enough to go hit stuff. Hoping it helps distress. All in all i feel overwhelmed in a sea that i am trying to float upon. I know things can and will be better. Just have to take thing a day at a time. Being sick freaks me out, being scared of failing at something freaks me out. I am doing my best to not let it cloud me and it becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Things are not all gloom and doom. Have.had some bright spots. Some compliments at work, watching the karate kids do well in testing, and teaching has been rewarding.
Guess i just need to vent the negative so i can release it, and remember the positive so that its something i can hold onto.

Full time school

Ah last couple of days have been crazy. Hectic at work trying to get to the school...and not feeling well. Who gets a sore throat in June? Commuting has sucked as Ava is in the shop. Hoping she is out soon. We are six days npw at the school and first day went ok. Now we need people. In other news i am close to finishing up my continuing education for LEED. I will be glad when its done. Work is.now offering an incentive prpgram for taking the ARE. Now i have more incentive to get this done one and for all.  Things have been busy but good.

Onward

Ah. Done teaching at the after-school program.  Now just have to be there for testing, but that's no biggie.  SO glad its over.  It was very trying for me.  At times I question myself as a teacher and why I did Martial Arts in the first place. Luckily for me, I've had some really good experiences teaching at the Peabody dojo, so I haven't lost all hope.

Now its onto the next thing.  I need to finish logging in all my requirements to keep my LEED certification, for one.  Its so I can keep it without having to re-test. I will NOT want to go through that again. I'm more than halfway done, so that is easy.

Than what is next?

I'll be continuing to train, teach if need be, and maybe finally studying for the ARE - FOR REAL.

In the back of my mind, I do want to fight again, but I need to look/feel stronger.  That will take time.  I'm thinking I can do all that while working, and running the school.  We shall see. 

I just need for my studying to be in the forefront. Just really need to get these over with once and for all.

So I'm look forward to a productive summer.
Its a BIG step for our school going to 6 days/ week.  
I'm really hoping it takes off.

...Anyway...one step at at time.

Hectic Times

Wow, it has been hectic.  Nice to get a few minutes to breathe and of course update the blog.

A couple of weeks ago I taught on Saturday, then on Sunday took a few of our Karate kids to a tournament. They did very well and I was so proud of them. Its so great to see these kids improve, do well, and earn their achievements.

I also participated.  In weapons forms it was just the guys, and they combined it.  Another guy was intermediate like myself and decided to compete advanced (brown belt). So I did as well. If he can do it, so should I.

I ended up in a 2nd place tie, with the brown belt and had to do the form again.  Made an error and was bumped the 3rd. AH!

As for the hand kata there were 5 women so it was just us ladies.  I did my thing, and landed 3rd place.  I really wish I did better like I know I can. 

I couldn't believe how nervous I felt, it was almost as bad as when I had to fight.  It think it was because the parents were there....

Jeff asked how I felt, and I was indifferent. I know I can do better and I know I should have done better. Hopefully it sets a fire for me for the fall.

Work has been insane, with working long hours for various deadlines.  I've had to miss a couple of classes and it bums me out.  I am really hoping all this hard work pays off come 'salary talk time'

Meanwhile we have firmed up our plans for the summer for the school. Now we have to get our marketing underway and hope for the best.

It'd be so great to get in more people over the summer.  I want the decision to stay at 6 days a week to be and easy one.

With working so much my body crashed over the weekend and its be telling me to be careful. So I made sure to have some down time and will this weekend after I teach on Saturday

Just a few more classes to teach at the Eliot, then our Summer Schedule starts in Peabody. Big times ahead!

Forever Ago

Seems like forever ago since posting. Kept telling myself, ah later. Well maybe now is a good time with a day off.

Here are some updates:

Work has been up and down with busy stuff. Nothing too crazy. I've had my reviews and they seemed to go ok. I've been trying to take on more, and do more.  I've also considered testing once and for all. I started last month, had a huge burst of study in me and then lost it.  I kind of thought I would with all that has been going on. I need to somehow make it a priority.

Teaching ups and downs. The after-school program is incredibly challenging.  Our dojo however has been doing really great. The kids are doing good and I've seen so much growth in them. Last Saturday I burst into tears watching them. They make me so proud.  We have some big things coming up with the kids and the school. Its nerve wracking and exciting all at the same time.  

First, next weekend I teach again and then on Sunday we have tournament. I am taking the kids solo, and competing.  Its been awhile since I have competed, and I've not done it as an Intermediate.  I know its going to be a crazy day, and I'm hopeful that it goes smoothly.  Next up, is promotions in June.  My testing is pretty flexible, since I am the only adult. But, I've got my sights set on testing with the kids, and doing well.  I'm working on what I've termed "Black Belt hands". I want it so that if someone looks at just my hands it will be undeniably 'Black Belt material'  The kicks are further behind, they are getting better, and its just a matter of time.  Right now I'm trying to catch them up to 'Blue Belt material'. 

As I set my sights on 'Black Belt', it's great to have the advantage that due to other training, I already know the rank. Its just getting them to be 'Black Belt' sharp. Goal: Black Belt by 35.  Its going to be close.

In June we also go to 6 days a week. Right now we are working on our strategy and hopefully it goes well.

When June hits I also will try to get my studying into higher gear, as well as work on getting stronger. I'm going to keep working on my other stuff, and keep them sharp. Maybe (and that is  a BIG maybe) I will fight once more at the end of this year.  It's not a huge priority, but I want to keep up the work so that if I want to, I can.

Other than that I got to meet my precious niece  and visit family last month. That was a good time.  Spending time with them is always worth the trip. I am not sure when I'll be back, but I am hoping soon..

Anyway, that is the five minute update in the past few months. 

I'm going to try to post more.... 

When I start my journey on getting stronger I really want to post more, and post on progress. Maybe even pics. I know I will be unhappy with the ones as first, but need them to have a reference for later...

PS. Next Monday is my 4 year anniversary with taking back my life, and getting rid of soda and sugar. =)