Stop

Been thinking about writing this one for awhile..and have been writing this in bits and pieces

There are many rimes that I would love to shout..."stop making fun of me!!!" But then it would seem like I am a whiny crybaby, a wuss, immature, that I don't have a thick skin...etc etc.  When I do this I revert back into my old shell... the shell of the little girl I used to be.

Even now..it really does get frustrating though. People say they are kidding..and I get that..but what I don't get sometimes is that it feels like its me on that is the target of the jokes. If I join in and fire bad it feels like I am being mean.

It just sometimes feel that no matter the situation...I'm the object of the joke.  It really messes with me. Sometimes it overwhelms me. Many times when it just gets to be too much,  I wish I could just 'poof' disappear..just so it'd stop. Or make people realize how frustrating and sometimes how hurtful it can be.  It also leads me, very often, to not trust people on one level or another.  Especially when I get a compliment..  I am so used to negativity, that I question people's intention whey they give a compliment.  I'm always wondering when the jokes are going to start or when they will start picking me apart.

A few years ago, someone was asking me if I had any 'special' abilities. What I mean by that is..did  I have an awesome memory or can do high math.  I told them no and asked why.  They thought I was slightly Autistic.  What?!?!  I promptly said 'no!', and I'm not autistic.  When I asked him how he thought that, he told me.... He said its my speech and how its fragmented. He knew that people commonly mistake me for a foreigner and thought that my speech was part of it.  He also noted that I never looked him in the eyes.  This is not the first time I've been told I do this.  I was dating a guy that called me a liar cause I couldn't look him in the eye.

In recent years there has been a lot of talk on Autism and Aspergers. They are now realizing it's a spectrum.  I think in one way or another we are all part of this spectrum. A combination of our makeup, upbringing, life makes us in one part or another. Maybe I fit more on the spectrum than others...I don't know...

I honestly feel that I can't look people in the eye... because I'm afraid. When people look in my eyes maybe they will see how insecure and fragile I am and "call me out".  They will know my insecurities and know what they can say to make fun of me.  So very vulnerable.  It was looking in people's eyes that got me beat up in high-school.

It's weird because recently in the dojo we were talking about bullies. I mentioned I was bullied.  People were shocked. They said it seems that I am friendly and confident.  It was the second time in recently I was told this...and it was a nice surprise.  Jeff says "oh you should have seen her when she started martial arts!!"  I promptly respond with  "you should have met me in highschool"  The only people that "get this" in any meaningful way... is my family.

It's weird that even now I can revert back into my old shell sometimes..