I think I have admitted before I am changing. This mid - life crises us heartbreaking. So very torn on what to do. Asking God for guidance and just trying to be patient. It is heart wrenching.
Thursday, May 21, 2015
Ug
This is a terrible post...
but I am overly anxious about it...
so hopefully it helps to let it out.
Today was a crappy day full of things just going wrong...and ...
It was mentioned today I am going home to see my mom
Randy says (jokingly) gee what is up with the moms
I said "well she's is deathly sick"
Yes. I am terrible I said out loud ...death.
I know we are all dying...and most of us don't even live in the first place.
Saying that made me fill with guilt and anxiety.
It feels so long since I have been afraid of loosing my mom.
Seem all the feelings from as long as 22 years ago bubble up...and more.
She is still here and I know I can't focus on it.
I know there is nothing I can do.
It just hurts.
...Meanwhile my day is crappy
...Meanwhile I am going though a mid-life crisis.
Ug.
but I am overly anxious about it...
so hopefully it helps to let it out.
Today was a crappy day full of things just going wrong...and ...
It was mentioned today I am going home to see my mom
Randy says (jokingly) gee what is up with the moms
I said "well she's is deathly sick"
Yes. I am terrible I said out loud ...death.
I know we are all dying...and most of us don't even live in the first place.
Saying that made me fill with guilt and anxiety.
It feels so long since I have been afraid of loosing my mom.
Seem all the feelings from as long as 22 years ago bubble up...and more.
She is still here and I know I can't focus on it.
I know there is nothing I can do.
It just hurts.
...Meanwhile my day is crappy
...Meanwhile I am going though a mid-life crisis.
Ug.
Monday, May 4, 2015
Forgiveness
Though there are SO many things I want to write about...but feel called to write on this.
Just before Thailand I new change was coming...during Thailand I felt it more so...and now after time has passed, I am still trying to understand what changes are happening and what to do about them.
So. Forgiveness.
My first thought is I wonder how many people tie it to religion. But it's not about that...I think those that have faith and those that don't, accept an apology or forgive.
Lately I have been grappling with forgiveness. Its always hard to forgive myself...and think it may be a life long effort for that. But I've also been doing soul searching on forgiving another.
The person is Mark. It's been so hard for me to come to this. For years I've held on. Seeing my mom and how sick she is, I wonder how much of it is due to what happened. Seeing the rest of my family and the impact..its all been hard.
He has been gone for a year. It time to let go. It is time to forgive. So I found a prayer that I think says it all well...
"Father God, I need your help and your insights. Today I have gained a better understanding of forgiving others and with your help, I fully forgive from my heart. Just as you have freely forgiven me, I forgive them. Father, I ask you to forgive me for hurting others out of my own hurt and to heal my relationships with others. I pray all of this in Jesus' precious name and by whom all forgiveness and healing was made possible. Thank you for loving me in ways I'll never comprehend. In Jesus' name, Amen."
Just before Thailand I new change was coming...during Thailand I felt it more so...and now after time has passed, I am still trying to understand what changes are happening and what to do about them.
So. Forgiveness.
My first thought is I wonder how many people tie it to religion. But it's not about that...I think those that have faith and those that don't, accept an apology or forgive.
Lately I have been grappling with forgiveness. Its always hard to forgive myself...and think it may be a life long effort for that. But I've also been doing soul searching on forgiving another.
The person is Mark. It's been so hard for me to come to this. For years I've held on. Seeing my mom and how sick she is, I wonder how much of it is due to what happened. Seeing the rest of my family and the impact..its all been hard.
He has been gone for a year. It time to let go. It is time to forgive. So I found a prayer that I think says it all well...
"Father God, I need your help and your insights. Today I have gained a better understanding of forgiving others and with your help, I fully forgive from my heart. Just as you have freely forgiven me, I forgive them. Father, I ask you to forgive me for hurting others out of my own hurt and to heal my relationships with others. I pray all of this in Jesus' precious name and by whom all forgiveness and healing was made possible. Thank you for loving me in ways I'll never comprehend. In Jesus' name, Amen."
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