Spleen strikes

This is a cartoon photo of a happy spleen.  My spleen is not happy, unfortunately.

Doc says my spleen is why I am dizzy and its so bad he didn't want me to waste money on 'body work' as it wouldn't hold

It was kind of a bummer because I had thought I was doing everything I could... guess its not enough and I need to add more in and keep going. gah!

The other interesting questions delved into my emotional state.  He asked how my motivation was. I told him its been off. In fact I have been depressed. In a way I haven't felt in years.  I really don't feel like it is like me to not try or give up. My mind wants to, but my body is lethargic.  He said it points back to the spleen. 

So he gave me a list of items to add into the diet, Chinese pills to take and we will go from there.

Though I have been feeling this way for a month, overall I feel its better. So hopefully adding this other stuff in just helps me more and more.

Not going to lie, the depression has taken a big mental hold on me. I'm trying not to let it get to me or let it spiral.

being social

In a nutshell I really dislike being social.  It feels awkward, and most of the time it sends me into panic or anxiety.

I would say there were at least three phases in my life socially

Younger - I really didn't want to talk to people unless I had to. I had zero confidence.  I wanted to do my best to disappear.  If I opened up my mouth, people would know I was there and give them a chance to say something mean.

Now, some people were mean and they meant it.  I've been told its not always mean. I just never saw it that way.  If people said something, even in joking, I always thought there was truth behind it.

People say good things.  Sure they do, again that is what I have been told.  Again, I just don't see it that way. My mind says if someone is saying something good, they are lying or setting me up for a joke, or just saying something they don't mean to be nice.

College - I gained confidence, was around more people like me. Because of my school, I had to talk more. I gained confidence in talking.  Getting an A or B helped me know that, yes I am good enough.

I still felt the same way about people. They are mean.

Now - I've still gained confidence, with my job, teaching and martial arts I've seen results to make me feel good. Overall I feel better than my other phases. But I still revert and feel like my old self.

Recently I've tried being more social online, joining fitness groups.  I feel so dumb posting.  I lament to post, and beat myself up for whatever I say. 

I find myself saying.. this is all stupid, I should get off Facebook and just stop talking to people. It would be a lot easier.

The best way to explain how I feel that some people can relate too, is that it feels like an itchy sweater.  An itchy sweater that happens to be my own skin.  I can't get out of it, I just itch and itch. 
So many times I just have to wait to feel better about a post, a conversation, etch. Sometimes I pull myself away.  At work I didn't attend a group for three months, because the last time I was in there people laughed at me.  I just didn't want to feel that way at work.

In a nutshell, I dislike being social.  Very much so.