being social

In a nutshell I really dislike being social.  It feels awkward, and most of the time it sends me into panic or anxiety.

I would say there were at least three phases in my life socially

Younger - I really didn't want to talk to people unless I had to. I had zero confidence.  I wanted to do my best to disappear.  If I opened up my mouth, people would know I was there and give them a chance to say something mean.

Now, some people were mean and they meant it.  I've been told its not always mean. I just never saw it that way.  If people said something, even in joking, I always thought there was truth behind it.

People say good things.  Sure they do, again that is what I have been told.  Again, I just don't see it that way. My mind says if someone is saying something good, they are lying or setting me up for a joke, or just saying something they don't mean to be nice.

College - I gained confidence, was around more people like me. Because of my school, I had to talk more. I gained confidence in talking.  Getting an A or B helped me know that, yes I am good enough.

I still felt the same way about people. They are mean.

Now - I've still gained confidence, with my job, teaching and martial arts I've seen results to make me feel good. Overall I feel better than my other phases. But I still revert and feel like my old self.

Recently I've tried being more social online, joining fitness groups.  I feel so dumb posting.  I lament to post, and beat myself up for whatever I say. 

I find myself saying.. this is all stupid, I should get off Facebook and just stop talking to people. It would be a lot easier.

The best way to explain how I feel that some people can relate too, is that it feels like an itchy sweater.  An itchy sweater that happens to be my own skin.  I can't get out of it, I just itch and itch. 
So many times I just have to wait to feel better about a post, a conversation, etch. Sometimes I pull myself away.  At work I didn't attend a group for three months, because the last time I was in there people laughed at me.  I just didn't want to feel that way at work.

In a nutshell, I dislike being social.  Very much so.