It's been 5 years since you left this earth. So glad you were a part of our family. SO much has happened...and I have a feeling you already know....
I've had three dreams about you. The first was after you had passed...You were not in it, but my third grade teacher and grandma were talking...(both are passed on) about how you were going to arrive soon...The second not too long after... mom was having a health scare. I was sitting on the grass and you appeared. You told me that mom would be fine, and we hugged. Mom was fine, and is doing ok. The second I don't remember as much, but I know I went to bed thinking heavily about you, missing you. Again I knew as I was dreaming that you were going to be there...and you were. We hugged. I knew I was waking up, and I had to go to the bathroom. I held as long as I could but knew I we had to part. I woke up feeling glad.
I think of you a great deal... wondering what we'd talk about if you were still here, what advice you'd give me. Not too long ago that mom put Rossy to sleep. I sure hope that he is with you. He's your buddy and you deserve each other.
We all miss you.
I guess something this... Jeff shared this with me..not too long ago... the words are better fitting
https://www.facebook.com/video/embed?video_id=1421898844702540
Lyrics...
What does it look like in heaven
is it peaceful and free like they say
does the sun shine bright forever
have your fears and your pain gone away
cause Here on earth it feels like everything.. good is missing, since you left
here on earth everything is different, there is an emptiness
I hope your dancing in the sky
I hope your singing with the angels choir
I hope the angels, know what they have
I bet it's nice up in heaven since you arrived
Tell me, what do you do up in heaven
are your days filled with love and light
is there music? is there art and invention
tell me are you happy and more alive
cause Here on earth it feels like everything.. good is missing, since you left
here on earth everything is different, there is an emptiness
I hope your dancing in the sky
I hope your singing with the angels choir
I hope the angels, know what they have
I bet it's nice up in heaven since you arrived
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Monday, September 9, 2013
Heartbroken
09/08/13
I am so so so very heartbroken. Its so very hard to but into words how much I hurt right now. Our guys lost last night. I am just numb.
Before the fight I was almost as nervous as I was for my own. After the fights and after seeing them loose, I feel like somebody I love just passed away.
Many people think this is stupid, exaggerating or whatever. If they say this, my first thought is they don't know. Or they don't care.
Fighting changes you. Watching others fight now, is so different. Watching them lose, I feel like we let them down. That they will never come back, not want to try again.
This hurts and hurts.
6am.
Update 3pm.... dull ache. Wish it went different. I wish I knew how to help them. Wonder if they will work with me more. Wonder if they will come back...
I know its just a fight. We can't win them all. But fighting reaches part of you that make you who you are. Maybe even parts you didn't even know existed. You are faced with it and somehow you have to tread through it all....
I won. I felt like I did terrible. Felt like I lost. I had a hard time coming to grips with what I just did. As soon as the bell rung I went into 'fight or flight' and I just fought and fought and fought some more. Looking back now I feel better about it. And now...I want to go do it again.
Right now, I am facing the downside of being a teacher. When the student looses. I've seen Jeff's fighters win or loose but never have I felt so connected. It was a year ago I did it too. I've helped coach these guys. One - since day 1.
Its going to be so hard for them to come back into class, I hope they do. I know our group is a bunch of guys that have a lot of respect. So that part is good.
Hopefully they heal from injuries (mental and physical) and hopefully they train again and go out there again for redemption.
I know time will help me. I need to let it feed my own drive. Do the things I need and want to do for myself.
I am so so so very heartbroken. Its so very hard to but into words how much I hurt right now. Our guys lost last night. I am just numb.
Before the fight I was almost as nervous as I was for my own. After the fights and after seeing them loose, I feel like somebody I love just passed away.
Many people think this is stupid, exaggerating or whatever. If they say this, my first thought is they don't know. Or they don't care.
Fighting changes you. Watching others fight now, is so different. Watching them lose, I feel like we let them down. That they will never come back, not want to try again.
This hurts and hurts.
6am.
Update 3pm.... dull ache. Wish it went different. I wish I knew how to help them. Wonder if they will work with me more. Wonder if they will come back...
I know its just a fight. We can't win them all. But fighting reaches part of you that make you who you are. Maybe even parts you didn't even know existed. You are faced with it and somehow you have to tread through it all....
I won. I felt like I did terrible. Felt like I lost. I had a hard time coming to grips with what I just did. As soon as the bell rung I went into 'fight or flight' and I just fought and fought and fought some more. Looking back now I feel better about it. And now...I want to go do it again.
Right now, I am facing the downside of being a teacher. When the student looses. I've seen Jeff's fighters win or loose but never have I felt so connected. It was a year ago I did it too. I've helped coach these guys. One - since day 1.
Its going to be so hard for them to come back into class, I hope they do. I know our group is a bunch of guys that have a lot of respect. So that part is good.
Hopefully they heal from injuries (mental and physical) and hopefully they train again and go out there again for redemption.
I know time will help me. I need to let it feed my own drive. Do the things I need and want to do for myself.
Friday, September 6, 2013
They say...
They say... that you can search for signs...or sometimes they SCREAM at you in the face. And if it's too late...it burns a little. Let me explain.
I've been ready to test for like 8 years. 6 years ago (when they were switching the system) I took a test thinking "okay lets do this". I failed. I let it go.
Since then I've done so much. I passed the LEED. I've been sick, scared to be terminally ill or disabled by it. I've lost family members. I've been in the ring in a full contact Muay Thai match. And along the way I've made some big work achievements
Recently I've started to think I should take these things. I haven't been able to schedule as there was a black out period. This week it was lifted. I went to schedule...and couldn't. My authorization is so old that it lapsed. I was upset. So phone calls and emails went out. The lady that held the key said "why should I help you" and "I'm the only one here and don't know what to do". For a moment I thought..I can never test. I was furious. I prayed. I told Jeff, and he prayed. A few hours later an email from the stubborn lady is in my inbox, giving me permission to extend my authorization. I scheduled my first exam right away. October 21st.
That day I told myself...its been long enough its time to just get these done.
In other news...I've known for quite sometime that to achieve Black Belt I need to get stronger, and look the part. When talking about Muay Thai, I can achieve Kru (teacher)...if I was stronger and looked the part. I've known for a year that if I want to fight again...I need to be stronger.... The trifecta of SCREAMING signs. And last night came the burn.
Two of our students have their first fight this weekend. Jeff was saying how people have been dropping their fights and that is why everyone should be ready, if they want to fight, as things pop up last minute. Yesterday Jeff tells me there is a Girl, at my weight that had her competitor drop out. I could have fought this weekend. BURN.
It's SO weird. After my fight, I considered walking away from Martial Arts. I never wanted to do that again. The training and the fighting, it changes you. Slowly but surely I got back into it. Teaching helped A LOT! I've been telling myself for a few months I want to go back in there. Recently with helping these guys with their fight, that urge has got REALLY strong. Last night when I hear about this girl. I was so upset I could cry. It's this feeling like "I have to go back" (think Jack from LOST "We have to go back Kate!") BURN BURN BURN.
Today I am really sore...and I know I have a LOT on my plate. Last night I said to Jeff "my health is good, but I feel like one wrong turn and who knows, I have to fight for that next level like I did when I fought to get healthy"
Somehow I got to figure out a way to achieve these things screaming in my face.
Recently I ordered a Brown Belt, I fully intend on competing with it and winning. Step 1. and....October 21 is my first test. Step 1.
I've been ready to test for like 8 years. 6 years ago (when they were switching the system) I took a test thinking "okay lets do this". I failed. I let it go.
Since then I've done so much. I passed the LEED. I've been sick, scared to be terminally ill or disabled by it. I've lost family members. I've been in the ring in a full contact Muay Thai match. And along the way I've made some big work achievements
Recently I've started to think I should take these things. I haven't been able to schedule as there was a black out period. This week it was lifted. I went to schedule...and couldn't. My authorization is so old that it lapsed. I was upset. So phone calls and emails went out. The lady that held the key said "why should I help you" and "I'm the only one here and don't know what to do". For a moment I thought..I can never test. I was furious. I prayed. I told Jeff, and he prayed. A few hours later an email from the stubborn lady is in my inbox, giving me permission to extend my authorization. I scheduled my first exam right away. October 21st.
That day I told myself...its been long enough its time to just get these done.
In other news...I've known for quite sometime that to achieve Black Belt I need to get stronger, and look the part. When talking about Muay Thai, I can achieve Kru (teacher)...if I was stronger and looked the part. I've known for a year that if I want to fight again...I need to be stronger.... The trifecta of SCREAMING signs. And last night came the burn.
Two of our students have their first fight this weekend. Jeff was saying how people have been dropping their fights and that is why everyone should be ready, if they want to fight, as things pop up last minute. Yesterday Jeff tells me there is a Girl, at my weight that had her competitor drop out. I could have fought this weekend. BURN.
It's SO weird. After my fight, I considered walking away from Martial Arts. I never wanted to do that again. The training and the fighting, it changes you. Slowly but surely I got back into it. Teaching helped A LOT! I've been telling myself for a few months I want to go back in there. Recently with helping these guys with their fight, that urge has got REALLY strong. Last night when I hear about this girl. I was so upset I could cry. It's this feeling like "I have to go back" (think Jack from LOST "We have to go back Kate!") BURN BURN BURN.
Today I am really sore...and I know I have a LOT on my plate. Last night I said to Jeff "my health is good, but I feel like one wrong turn and who knows, I have to fight for that next level like I did when I fought to get healthy"
Somehow I got to figure out a way to achieve these things screaming in my face.
Recently I ordered a Brown Belt, I fully intend on competing with it and winning. Step 1. and....October 21 is my first test. Step 1.
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