Heartbroken

09/08/13

I am so so so very heartbroken.  Its so very hard to but into words how much I hurt right now. Our guys lost last night.  I am just numb.

Before the fight I was almost as nervous as I was for my own. After  the fights and after seeing them loose, I feel like somebody I love just passed away. 

Many people think this is stupid, exaggerating or whatever.  If they say this, my first thought is they don't know.  Or they don't care.

Fighting changes you. Watching others fight now, is so different.  Watching them lose, I feel like we let them down.  That they will never come back, not want to try again.

This hurts and hurts. 

6am.

Update 3pm.... dull ache. Wish it went different.  I wish I knew how to help them.  Wonder if they will work with me more. Wonder if they will come back...

I know its just a fight. We can't win them all.  But fighting reaches part of you that make you who you are. Maybe even parts you didn't even know existed.  You are faced with it and somehow you have to tread through it all....

I won. I felt like I did terrible. Felt like I lost. I had a hard time coming to grips with what I just did. As soon as the bell rung I went into 'fight or flight' and I just fought and fought and fought some more.  Looking back now I feel better about it.  And now...I want to go do it again.

Right now, I am facing the downside of being a teacher.  When the student looses.  I've seen Jeff's fighters win or loose but never have I felt so connected. It was a year ago I did it too. I've helped coach these guys.  One - since day 1.

Its going to be so hard for them to come back into class, I hope they do. I know our group is a bunch of guys that have a lot of respect.  So that part is good.
Hopefully they heal from injuries (mental and physical) and hopefully they train again and go out there again for redemption.

I know time will help me. I need to let it feed my own drive.  Do the things I need and want to do for myself.