Ug

This is a terrible post...
but I am overly anxious about it...
so hopefully it helps to let it out.

Today was a crappy day full of things just going wrong...and ...

It was mentioned today I am going home to see my mom
Randy says (jokingly) gee what is up with the moms

I said "well she's is deathly sick"

Yes. I am terrible I said out loud ...death.
I know we are all dying...and most of us don't even live in the first place.

Saying that made me fill with guilt and anxiety.

It feels so long since I have been afraid of loosing my mom.
Seem all the feelings from as long as 22 years ago bubble up...and more.

She is still here and I know I can't focus on it.
I know there is nothing I can do.

It just hurts.

...Meanwhile my day is crappy 
...Meanwhile I am going though a mid-life crisis.

Ug.