Pressure

After the fight, the first question was 'did you win?" followed by "can i see it?". even worse was "can't wait to see it". Then it was the 'are you going to do it again?"

I know people don't mean anything by it. Feel like my go to response is "let me try to process what I just did for a moment"

At first I felt like I wanted to walk away from it all. Then I went back to classes and even hit mitts.

Now what?

It feels like a little pressure to answer that.
I could fight again, I can teach, I can study for my exams, I can...
Its all a blessing for sure that I have choices.

Right now, it just kind of feels like purgatory.

Feel like a quitter no matter what I choose.

I've asked for pics/video from the fight.  I think I'm about ready to just see it so I can put it to bed.

Finally

I know I didn't really post much before the fight. Guess I was just SO sick of talking and thinking about it.
Hard enough to remember to breathe. Anyway...although I do have more thought and analysis just not sure what or how to write them yet.

For now, I want to post an email on got just after the fights. So poignant.

"Winners get winners speeches... losers get losers speeches... and you know I'm weird and unorthodox... so since I know you won... let me give you the loser speech... because its true... and you should more easily be able to believe... as you won. Here it Goes.

Getting in the ring was the first victory, staying in the ring was the second victory, throwing a punch after you've been hit was the functional personal victory. You are born again tonight. Winning or losing doesn't matter You were victorious the moment you "fought back" Great job."

Single Digits

Last night was a much better night for me with sparring.  Training also went good. The running/sprinting is feeling strong and good.  Nothing too crazy for the next 9 days.

Looking forward to this adventure.

On fear...

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” 
― Frank Herbert

Facing the Demons

Tuesday was another bad day for me.
Sunk deeper into this pit I'm in.

Yesterday, it began to break.
Feeling much better.

Now to continue to face these things.

15 days.

Demons

Who knew that 30 seconds of failure would dredge up demons.  To the point where yesterday I was experiencing a minor amount of back pain similar to what I had almost a decade ago.

Emotional bubbles rising to the surface, I think I've started to cry like 5 times in the last 48 hours.

It's not about having one bad day, but the worry I'll have another. Then have to live the rest of my life with the quilt and regret.

I know I keep telling myself, ah if I lose but try my hardest I'll be ok. I know, its not the end of the world or anything, but this means a lot to me.

Got to face it all now and figure out how to get my head on straight...soon.
19 days....

Ups and Downs

just got back from training. regular training went well. 

unfortunately sparring didn't go so well.

was told to go harder and faster and did nothing. my biggest fear.

cried a bit over it.

ugggg

so i am sulking a bit.