end of week 3

This week I have been thankful for "normal work hours". Going home to rest and sleep.
Yesterday I rode my new bike for my first time, and went to classes.  Didn't do much but it felt good to be there.

Today I applied for my passport - they said it should be 3 weeks.
Fingers crossed

Week 3

Gah,  I haven't been very good at posting.

Or keeping up on my PIYO workout...
Or much of anything.

This project has sure taken a lot out of me.

Today I am hoping to get out at a decent hour..go home..and rest.

I am thankful that though my body is falling apart..that it is not nearly as bad as before.
My hope is to rest and give my body a chance to heal

Week 2. Day 2

Today I am thankful that the bird poop falling from the sky barely missed me.

I am hopeful to get my birth certificate soon, and the process to get a passport goes smooth and quick.
Trying not to beat myself up for not having this done sooner, but trying to keep faith that it all will work out in the end.

Being Thankful Week 2

Every time I think about writing on here, I don't cause I feel so far behind. 

Well forget that - lets move on.

One of my goals/objectives is to be thankful for a part of my body/health. I try to be more observant and in the now. Spotted: crossing the street was a man with very short legs, he was trying to move fast, but can't go as fast as other people around him. Today, I am thankful for my long legs.  Though its always been tough to shop for pants, shorts, bathing suits.  I am glad for them, and happy they carry me from point A to point B. They are strong, they have no pain, and someday they will have muscle tone.

new year

Can't believe 2013 escaped us so fast!  Already I am loosing track of 2014.

Overall last year for me was full of ups and downs.  When I was first going to write this, I was going into detail. Now, all I want to do is focus on the now and what is ahead.

What caused this? Getting sick. Again. It cause me to pause.

Unfortunately I am making the mistake of sharing it with more and more people. But in a way I think it might help make me accountable for my actions.

I am halfway through week two of meds, diet change, and LOTS of breathing.

Of course it feels like the biggest stresses are popping up between the school and work.  I keep telling myself it will work out, it will be ok, it is ok.  And I've been doing a LOT of praying/meditation.

Its been a rough start...and I just hope things get better. 

Competition 1 of 3

So it has all been building up to this. Competing as a Brown Belt, winning to earn it. There are three tournaments in about months time. ...And I am 0 for 1 :(

This is what I get for working myself sick...and not practicing to boot.  Though for the hand kata, I was told I did better than the top three. Not only in opinion, but score as well. Guess they don't know how to add.
Its ok though...you reap what you sow.

BUT  the BEST thing happened when they called my division.  I ran to my ring...and everyone followed me. They were so excited to see me and cheer me on. I wish I had done better for them :(

This is an iconic image of Boston..."Make Way for Ducklings" . Have to admit, I have been living in Boston for almost 10 years now and never gave "Make Way for Ducklings" a second thought until recently.  Last weekend I was completely humbled when my division was called, and as I am darting to my place I hear the "karate monkeys" following me so they could watch. There is nothing more enriching than teaching (as often as I can) and watching students learn and flourish.
I will do my best to May Way for our Ducklings...try to set a good example. I want so much for them.

Stop

Been thinking about writing this one for awhile..and have been writing this in bits and pieces

There are many rimes that I would love to shout..."stop making fun of me!!!" But then it would seem like I am a whiny crybaby, a wuss, immature, that I don't have a thick skin...etc etc.  When I do this I revert back into my old shell... the shell of the little girl I used to be.

Even now..it really does get frustrating though. People say they are kidding..and I get that..but what I don't get sometimes is that it feels like its me on that is the target of the jokes. If I join in and fire bad it feels like I am being mean.

It just sometimes feel that no matter the situation...I'm the object of the joke.  It really messes with me. Sometimes it overwhelms me. Many times when it just gets to be too much,  I wish I could just 'poof' disappear..just so it'd stop. Or make people realize how frustrating and sometimes how hurtful it can be.  It also leads me, very often, to not trust people on one level or another.  Especially when I get a compliment..  I am so used to negativity, that I question people's intention whey they give a compliment.  I'm always wondering when the jokes are going to start or when they will start picking me apart.

A few years ago, someone was asking me if I had any 'special' abilities. What I mean by that is..did  I have an awesome memory or can do high math.  I told them no and asked why.  They thought I was slightly Autistic.  What?!?!  I promptly said 'no!', and I'm not autistic.  When I asked him how he thought that, he told me.... He said its my speech and how its fragmented. He knew that people commonly mistake me for a foreigner and thought that my speech was part of it.  He also noted that I never looked him in the eyes.  This is not the first time I've been told I do this.  I was dating a guy that called me a liar cause I couldn't look him in the eye.

In recent years there has been a lot of talk on Autism and Aspergers. They are now realizing it's a spectrum.  I think in one way or another we are all part of this spectrum. A combination of our makeup, upbringing, life makes us in one part or another. Maybe I fit more on the spectrum than others...I don't know...

I honestly feel that I can't look people in the eye... because I'm afraid. When people look in my eyes maybe they will see how insecure and fragile I am and "call me out".  They will know my insecurities and know what they can say to make fun of me.  So very vulnerable.  It was looking in people's eyes that got me beat up in high-school.

It's weird because recently in the dojo we were talking about bullies. I mentioned I was bullied.  People were shocked. They said it seems that I am friendly and confident.  It was the second time in recently I was told this...and it was a nice surprise.  Jeff says "oh you should have seen her when she started martial arts!!"  I promptly respond with  "you should have met me in highschool"  The only people that "get this" in any meaningful way... is my family.

It's weird that even now I can revert back into my old shell sometimes..