Saturday

So finish up on my post of yesterday...

This was my lunch.  I call it "craving salad".  It is at a place that is about 5 minute walk, and I use that time to try to relax and enjoy my walk.  Also, I try to hone into what I will want to eat.

So here is Tuna, Ham, Cottage Cheese (on top is some protein wheat thing), Swiss Cheese, Tomoatos, Corn, Banana Peppers. The one critical thing missing is green, they didn't have any green beans which I typically like... Here is my final Calorie count of the day. Dinner it was chicken and spinach. YUM

 

Now unto today. Started the day with a plain egg omlet, with just a dab of sour cream and a dash of blue cheese. My goal is to kick butt in classes today!

2015

This year, my main goal is to really try to stay on top of things this year!  be more organized and plan better.  

Day 1 (Jan 1) - Got my workout in!  My heartrate monitor wasn't placed right until 10 minutes in.
After the workout it read 112 or something. So I probably got close too burning 200 calories. Ah well.

Day 2- Walked to work burned over 100 calories.  I still have it going just to see what I burn at work.
I want to do better at seeing how I do.

Food Diary - Coffee, Shakeology so far.  I have peaches and a yogurt on deck!

Over the break I got a lot of marketing done for the school as well as setting up our new billing system I want to use.

Also - I put together Jeff's video that he wants to do. I wanted him to see what the final product would like like.

Obviously I am going to try to write more too!
56 days until Thailand.

Thankful Focus

More on Today's Thankful Focus: Sacrifice.

On Facebook I wrote:

Today's Thankful Focus: Sacrifice. You read that correctly, Sacrifice.

We all have decisions, daily. Some of which require sacrifice.
There are many things that I have sacrificed through the years to do the things I wanted to do and achieve.  Many of my sacrifices I feel that I have made for others. Sometimes they work out and sometimes they don't.  Some of which, are sacrifices that I will have for the rest of my life.

At the end of my life, I know I will look back and say it was worth it, and that is why I am thankful.

A little more:
In recent years, do not regret making sacrifices to make ends meet, to start and run our school, and to be a good architect and teacher. At the end of the day its all what I feel like I called to do.

Its easy many time to sacrifice for others, harder to do for yourself.  In 4 months. I will be in Thailand. I'll be sacrificing money, time, my job, helping with the school and so much more.  Just thinking about it drives up anxiety and excitement all at the same time.

4 Months..wow.

Spleen strikes

This is a cartoon photo of a happy spleen.  My spleen is not happy, unfortunately.

Doc says my spleen is why I am dizzy and its so bad he didn't want me to waste money on 'body work' as it wouldn't hold

It was kind of a bummer because I had thought I was doing everything I could... guess its not enough and I need to add more in and keep going. gah!

The other interesting questions delved into my emotional state.  He asked how my motivation was. I told him its been off. In fact I have been depressed. In a way I haven't felt in years.  I really don't feel like it is like me to not try or give up. My mind wants to, but my body is lethargic.  He said it points back to the spleen. 

So he gave me a list of items to add into the diet, Chinese pills to take and we will go from there.

Though I have been feeling this way for a month, overall I feel its better. So hopefully adding this other stuff in just helps me more and more.

Not going to lie, the depression has taken a big mental hold on me. I'm trying not to let it get to me or let it spiral.

being social

In a nutshell I really dislike being social.  It feels awkward, and most of the time it sends me into panic or anxiety.

I would say there were at least three phases in my life socially

Younger - I really didn't want to talk to people unless I had to. I had zero confidence.  I wanted to do my best to disappear.  If I opened up my mouth, people would know I was there and give them a chance to say something mean.

Now, some people were mean and they meant it.  I've been told its not always mean. I just never saw it that way.  If people said something, even in joking, I always thought there was truth behind it.

People say good things.  Sure they do, again that is what I have been told.  Again, I just don't see it that way. My mind says if someone is saying something good, they are lying or setting me up for a joke, or just saying something they don't mean to be nice.

College - I gained confidence, was around more people like me. Because of my school, I had to talk more. I gained confidence in talking.  Getting an A or B helped me know that, yes I am good enough.

I still felt the same way about people. They are mean.

Now - I've still gained confidence, with my job, teaching and martial arts I've seen results to make me feel good. Overall I feel better than my other phases. But I still revert and feel like my old self.

Recently I've tried being more social online, joining fitness groups.  I feel so dumb posting.  I lament to post, and beat myself up for whatever I say. 

I find myself saying.. this is all stupid, I should get off Facebook and just stop talking to people. It would be a lot easier.

The best way to explain how I feel that some people can relate too, is that it feels like an itchy sweater.  An itchy sweater that happens to be my own skin.  I can't get out of it, I just itch and itch. 
So many times I just have to wait to feel better about a post, a conversation, etch. Sometimes I pull myself away.  At work I didn't attend a group for three months, because the last time I was in there people laughed at me.  I just didn't want to feel that way at work.

In a nutshell, I dislike being social.  Very much so.

Train ride

Riding train to Salem....

end of week 3

This week I have been thankful for "normal work hours". Going home to rest and sleep.
Yesterday I rode my new bike for my first time, and went to classes.  Didn't do much but it felt good to be there.

Today I applied for my passport - they said it should be 3 weeks.
Fingers crossed