Vent

Oy. I need to vent. Big time.

This day feels like a terrible Monday, an accumulation of the chaos. All of which decided to blow up in my face.

So my main project has been intense....
My office drama is intense...
My second project is intense....


The school is moving...that is intense
Trying to reach out to kids...that is intense

A broken girl wanted Karate, we raised money...she started then stopped showing up.
I asked her to come in via another parent whose daughter is friends with her
She wanted to quit.  I tried to reach out. I tried. I tried. I tried.

Mom of broken girl interrupts class mad as hell telling me in front of other parents i was bad/mean to her child

Quick thinking we took it outside.
We talked...we agreed to move on.

My heart is broken and I feel like I am failing at everything...

I need prayers..

I lived

"I Lived" One Republic

Hope when you take that jump, you don't fear the fall
Hope when the water rises, you built a wall
Hope when the crowd screams out, they're screaming your name
Hope if everybody runs, you choose to stay

Hope that you fall in love, and it hurts so bad
The only way you can know is give it all you have
And I hope that you don't suffer but take the pain
Hope when the moment comes, you'll say...

I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second that this world could give
I saw so many places, the things that I did
With every broken bone, I swear I lived

Hope that you spend your days, but they all add up
And when that sun goes down, hope you raise your cup
Oh, I wish that I could witness all your joy and all your pain
But until my moment comes, I'll say...

I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second that this world could give
I saw so many places, the things that I did
With every broken bone, I swear I lived


With every broken bone, I swear I lived.
With every broken bone, I swear I...

I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second that this world could give
I saw so many places, the things that I did
With every broken bone, I swear I lived.

Almost mid life crisis

I think I have admitted before I am changing. This mid - life crises us heartbreaking.  So very torn on what to do. Asking God for guidance and just trying to be patient.  It is heart wrenching. 

Ug

This is a terrible post...
but I am overly anxious about it...
so hopefully it helps to let it out.

Today was a crappy day full of things just going wrong...and ...

It was mentioned today I am going home to see my mom
Randy says (jokingly) gee what is up with the moms

I said "well she's is deathly sick"

Yes. I am terrible I said out loud ...death.
I know we are all dying...and most of us don't even live in the first place.

Saying that made me fill with guilt and anxiety.

It feels so long since I have been afraid of loosing my mom.
Seem all the feelings from as long as 22 years ago bubble up...and more.

She is still here and I know I can't focus on it.
I know there is nothing I can do.

It just hurts.

...Meanwhile my day is crappy 
...Meanwhile I am going though a mid-life crisis.

Ug.

Forgiveness

Though there are SO many things I want to write about...but feel called to write on this.

Just before Thailand I new change was coming...during Thailand I felt it more so...and now after time has passed, I am still trying to understand what changes are happening and what to do about them.

So. Forgiveness.

My first thought is I wonder how many people tie it to religion.  But it's not about that...I think those that have faith and those that don't, accept an apology or forgive.

Lately I have been grappling with forgiveness.  Its always hard to forgive myself...and think it may be a life long effort for that.  But I've also been doing soul searching on forgiving another. 

The person is Mark. It's been so hard for me to come to this.  For years I've held on. Seeing my mom and how sick she is, I wonder how much of it is due to what happened. Seeing the rest of my family and the impact..its all been hard.

He has been gone for a year.  It time to let go.  It is time to forgive. So I found a prayer that I think says it all well...


"Father God, I need your help and your insights. Today I have gained a better understanding of forgiving others and with your help, I fully forgive from my heart. Just as you have freely forgiven me, I forgive them. Father, I ask you to forgive me for hurting others out of my own hurt and to heal my relationships with others. I pray all of this in Jesus' precious name and by whom all forgiveness and healing was made possible. Thank you for loving me in ways I'll never comprehend. In Jesus' name, Amen."

Rose

Just saw this article just now

http://www.shebudgets.com/lifestyle/things-never-say-couples-without-children/53827?utm_source=facebookpage&utm_medium=epic&utm_term=shebudgets&utm_campaign=neversaytocoupleschildrn&ts_pid=2

Its things people shouldn't say to childless couples.

I find many of these to be true. One thing it left out is "oh your are selfish"...

Let me begin with saying there are a NUMBER of articles that have the reverse. "Things childless people shouldn't say to people with children" etc. etc.

From the time I was very young, I never thought I would have children.  The thought was I would probably adopt.

We have talked about having kids, even figured it out a bit... then stopped.  We are just uneasy about having our own child

Most of it stems from financial stress.  We have talked a great deal about foster/adoption, its easier for us to accept helping a child that is here and not adding another...

but that is an even bigger burden financially...

We have our own school, which in many ways feels like our child. I know its not the same.  But we care a great deal about it, and our students.

It painful to see our school not doing well because its as if we decided on that instead of children... and it hurts a great deal

When we talked about having children, we knew what names they would be. Particularly if it was a girl. My gut tells me that we'd end up with a girl..I don't know why.

Her name is Rose. We talk about her often, as if she existed here on earth.  In fact I talk to her, pray to her, and tell her how sorry I am that she is not here with us.

From time to time, not having my own child rips me a part. Granted, if we did want kids I am not even sure if we can.  We both have health issues first of all..

Rose is very special to me, and I feel in many ways its better that she stays in heaven as the angel she is.

When my sister was pregnant we talked about the name, and I told her that if she was considering Rose, she could use it.

She did.  Every time I hear or see my niece. Its like a piece of my Rose is here.

We  have been told "oh you'd be great parents" and encouraged to be parents.

We have also been told "it changes your life" "it takes up so much more of your time" which are true, yet discouraging.

The fact is. If we decided to (either on our own or adopt) we'd have to completely change our lives.  We get that...

We can make those sacrifices... but we also want to be able to provide for them. I am still holding onto hope... but it feels like its fading. 

Much like the idea of 'Rose'.

In Thailand

Been in Thailand for almost a week.

I was told this would be tough, I expected tough.

This is WAY more than that.

If I don't walk away with earning Level 1, I will feel like a failure.

Lord knows I am trying my guts out.