Heartbroken

09/08/13

I am so so so very heartbroken.  Its so very hard to but into words how much I hurt right now. Our guys lost last night.  I am just numb.

Before the fight I was almost as nervous as I was for my own. After  the fights and after seeing them loose, I feel like somebody I love just passed away. 

Many people think this is stupid, exaggerating or whatever.  If they say this, my first thought is they don't know.  Or they don't care.

Fighting changes you. Watching others fight now, is so different.  Watching them lose, I feel like we let them down.  That they will never come back, not want to try again.

This hurts and hurts. 

6am.

Update 3pm.... dull ache. Wish it went different.  I wish I knew how to help them.  Wonder if they will work with me more. Wonder if they will come back...

I know its just a fight. We can't win them all.  But fighting reaches part of you that make you who you are. Maybe even parts you didn't even know existed.  You are faced with it and somehow you have to tread through it all....

I won. I felt like I did terrible. Felt like I lost. I had a hard time coming to grips with what I just did. As soon as the bell rung I went into 'fight or flight' and I just fought and fought and fought some more.  Looking back now I feel better about it.  And now...I want to go do it again.

Right now, I am facing the downside of being a teacher.  When the student looses.  I've seen Jeff's fighters win or loose but never have I felt so connected. It was a year ago I did it too. I've helped coach these guys.  One - since day 1.

Its going to be so hard for them to come back into class, I hope they do. I know our group is a bunch of guys that have a lot of respect.  So that part is good.
Hopefully they heal from injuries (mental and physical) and hopefully they train again and go out there again for redemption.

I know time will help me. I need to let it feed my own drive.  Do the things I need and want to do for myself.

They say...

They say... that you can search for signs...or sometimes they SCREAM at you in the face. And if it's too late...it burns a little.  Let me explain.

I've been ready to test for like 8 years.  6 years ago (when they were switching the system) I took a test thinking "okay lets do this". I failed. I let it go.

Since then I've done so much. I passed the LEED. I've been sick, scared to be terminally ill or disabled by it. I've lost family members.  I've been in the ring in a full contact Muay Thai match.  And along the way I've made some big work achievements

Recently I've started to think I should take these things.  I haven't been able to schedule as there was a black out period.  This week it was lifted.  I went to schedule...and couldn't. My authorization is so old that it lapsed.  I was upset. So phone calls and emails went out.  The lady that held the key said "why should I help you" and "I'm the only one here and don't know what to do". For a moment I thought..I can never test.  I was furious.  I prayed. I told Jeff, and he prayed.  A few hours later an email from the stubborn lady is in my inbox, giving me permission to extend my authorization.  I scheduled my first exam right away.  October 21st.

That day I told myself...its been long enough its time to just get these done.

In other news...I've known for quite sometime that to achieve Black Belt I need to get stronger, and look the part.  When talking about Muay Thai, I can achieve Kru (teacher)...if I was stronger and looked the part.  I've known for a year that if I want to fight again...I need to be stronger....  The trifecta of SCREAMING signs.  And last night came the burn.

Two of our students have their first fight this weekend. Jeff was saying how people have been dropping their fights and that is why everyone should be ready, if they want to fight, as things pop up last minute.  Yesterday Jeff tells me there is a Girl, at my weight that had her competitor drop out.  I could have fought this weekend.  BURN.

It's SO weird.  After my fight, I considered walking away from Martial Arts. I never wanted to do that again.  The training and the fighting, it changes you. Slowly but surely I got back into it. Teaching helped A LOT! I've been telling myself for a few months I want to go back in there. Recently with helping these guys with their fight, that urge has got REALLY strong.  Last night when I hear about this girl. I was so upset I could cry.  It's this feeling like "I have to go back"  (think Jack from LOST "We have to go back Kate!") BURN BURN BURN.


Today I am really sore...and I know I have a LOT on my plate. Last night I said to Jeff "my health is good, but I feel like one wrong turn and who knows, I have to fight for that next level like I did when I fought to get healthy"

Somehow I got to figure out a way to achieve these things screaming in my face.

Recently I ordered a Brown Belt, I fully intend on competing with it and winning.  Step 1.  and....October 21 is my first test. Step 1.

Dear

Dear Stella and Vera,

Recently you two started to go to "school". My oh my time is flying... It was just yesterday you two were born. Already your personalities are forming and shaping. You have the best life around you in a world that is full of both happy and sad. There is so much you know that the rest of us had forgotten, so much you are teaching us. There is oh so much more that you will see.

Change.  It can be tough.  There is the saying that the only thing constant is change. So much of  life is your outlook on change. Never forget you have the most amazing powers to create change. It tough being away from home. From mom. She misses you too. You are small eagles and you are beginning to  learn how to fly. Your wings are powerful. No matter what. Mom and all of your family is with you. Guiding you, supporting you and cheering you on.

I write this from over 700 miles away. My heart aches knowing how much i am missing out on. In my gut, I know I am meant to be here. At least for.now.  I think of you all the time and if i knew you needed something, anything I would do everything in my power to help. Now and always I am supporting you from far away. It's been so much fun hearing about you and reading the blog that tells me about your days and how much you are growing, changing and learning.

Going to your first school is the one of the first of your many adventures in your lives.  There are many to be had, and the possibilities are endless. There is so much you can accomplish, if only you set your mind to it and work hard.  No matter what you may do, I know one thing for sure, you will make your family proud.

You will be big strong eagles.

=)

Gaining steam.

Our summer program is gaining steam! We have had two people sign up with 6 more looking to sign up, hopefully over the next week.  We set out telling ourselves 10 is the magic number, knowing how unlikely we'd be. Having 8 would be tremendous. 

I enjoyed my week off and did a purge type cleaning on the house and first week back at work has been busy but not too crazy.  I've been having trouble with my knees so I went to see 'A'.  He gave me advice and more stuff for chinese tea.  Apparently my liver is acting up.  He also has me re-examine what I am eating. Though I haven't fallen off the wagon, nor am I anywhere near where I was nearly 5 years ago, I haven't been doing my very best.  Jeff has been talking about removing wheat from our diet, so we are going to do that.  It will help both of us in many many ways. I will also focus more on eating all the things I should be, meat, grapes, greens. 

I've done nothing on really training the way I want to train, and nothing I studying for the ARE. BAH!  I know I need to buckle down. It seems like there is always a million other things going on.

After yesterdays treatment, I woke up today sore, tired, and not feeling well. So I took today off. Guess my body needs the down time...

Confidence

It's weird to think I am writing about confidence after blubbering about it feeling so low.  This past week was marked by several deadlines and meetings, all of which I had to do some or all of the speaking for the firm in front of clients and potential clients. Also at one moment I had to talk with the boss which always makes me nervous

Overall I went in with confidence and conviction and with great results.

I remember telling myself to build up the confidence...and I used my experience with Martial Arts to do that.  Particularly karate.

There is so much I want to write about this subject and at some point I will.

For now I will say first that i am so happy that I'm involved in the Martial arts, in karate, and helping kids.  This week I saw once again how it affected me.  So many people think its all about fighting, or kata is crap, or karate competition is crap. Also have seen comments that full contact fighting is crap.  Yes, I fought but I am not out to seek fights. I have all 'bushido' (ways of the warrior) that I carry with me constantly. That is who I am.

Here they are:

1. GI – Right Action, Duty

2. YUUKI – Courage

3. JIN – Benevolence

4. REI – Politeness or Morality

5. MAKOTO – Truthfulness

6. MEIYO – Honor

7. CHUUGI – Loyalty

I went into Muay Thai to de-stress, I went into Karate to help out the kids.
Looking back I don't think I could have ever foreseen how much it would change me.

Juggle

I have been doing lots of juggling lately...work, training, school stuff. I have done it all before but it seems that its compounded with stress. Trying to do my best. I got sick a couple of weeks ago first a cold then sinus, and achy all over. Unfortunately it freaked me out.  With everything going on i have done a great deal of second guessing myself. Confidence seems low. Bummed that i am not doing all the things i should be. Today though exhausted i feel well enough to go hit stuff. Hoping it helps distress. All in all i feel overwhelmed in a sea that i am trying to float upon. I know things can and will be better. Just have to take thing a day at a time. Being sick freaks me out, being scared of failing at something freaks me out. I am doing my best to not let it cloud me and it becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Things are not all gloom and doom. Have.had some bright spots. Some compliments at work, watching the karate kids do well in testing, and teaching has been rewarding.
Guess i just need to vent the negative so i can release it, and remember the positive so that its something i can hold onto.

Full time school

Ah last couple of days have been crazy. Hectic at work trying to get to the school...and not feeling well. Who gets a sore throat in June? Commuting has sucked as Ava is in the shop. Hoping she is out soon. We are six days npw at the school and first day went ok. Now we need people. In other news i am close to finishing up my continuing education for LEED. I will be glad when its done. Work is.now offering an incentive prpgram for taking the ARE. Now i have more incentive to get this done one and for all.  Things have been busy but good.