I think I have admitted before I am changing. This mid - life crises us heartbreaking. So very torn on what to do. Asking God for guidance and just trying to be patient. It is heart wrenching.
Thursday, May 21, 2015
Ug
This is a terrible post...
but I am overly anxious about it...
so hopefully it helps to let it out.
Today was a crappy day full of things just going wrong...and ...
It was mentioned today I am going home to see my mom
Randy says (jokingly) gee what is up with the moms
I said "well she's is deathly sick"
Yes. I am terrible I said out loud ...death.
I know we are all dying...and most of us don't even live in the first place.
Saying that made me fill with guilt and anxiety.
It feels so long since I have been afraid of loosing my mom.
Seem all the feelings from as long as 22 years ago bubble up...and more.
She is still here and I know I can't focus on it.
I know there is nothing I can do.
It just hurts.
...Meanwhile my day is crappy
...Meanwhile I am going though a mid-life crisis.
Ug.
but I am overly anxious about it...
so hopefully it helps to let it out.
Today was a crappy day full of things just going wrong...and ...
It was mentioned today I am going home to see my mom
Randy says (jokingly) gee what is up with the moms
I said "well she's is deathly sick"
Yes. I am terrible I said out loud ...death.
I know we are all dying...and most of us don't even live in the first place.
Saying that made me fill with guilt and anxiety.
It feels so long since I have been afraid of loosing my mom.
Seem all the feelings from as long as 22 years ago bubble up...and more.
She is still here and I know I can't focus on it.
I know there is nothing I can do.
It just hurts.
...Meanwhile my day is crappy
...Meanwhile I am going though a mid-life crisis.
Ug.
Monday, May 4, 2015
Forgiveness
Though there are SO many things I want to write about...but feel called to write on this.
Just before Thailand I new change was coming...during Thailand I felt it more so...and now after time has passed, I am still trying to understand what changes are happening and what to do about them.
So. Forgiveness.
My first thought is I wonder how many people tie it to religion. But it's not about that...I think those that have faith and those that don't, accept an apology or forgive.
Lately I have been grappling with forgiveness. Its always hard to forgive myself...and think it may be a life long effort for that. But I've also been doing soul searching on forgiving another.
The person is Mark. It's been so hard for me to come to this. For years I've held on. Seeing my mom and how sick she is, I wonder how much of it is due to what happened. Seeing the rest of my family and the impact..its all been hard.
He has been gone for a year. It time to let go. It is time to forgive. So I found a prayer that I think says it all well...
"Father God, I need your help and your insights. Today I have gained a better understanding of forgiving others and with your help, I fully forgive from my heart. Just as you have freely forgiven me, I forgive them. Father, I ask you to forgive me for hurting others out of my own hurt and to heal my relationships with others. I pray all of this in Jesus' precious name and by whom all forgiveness and healing was made possible. Thank you for loving me in ways I'll never comprehend. In Jesus' name, Amen."
Just before Thailand I new change was coming...during Thailand I felt it more so...and now after time has passed, I am still trying to understand what changes are happening and what to do about them.
So. Forgiveness.
My first thought is I wonder how many people tie it to religion. But it's not about that...I think those that have faith and those that don't, accept an apology or forgive.
Lately I have been grappling with forgiveness. Its always hard to forgive myself...and think it may be a life long effort for that. But I've also been doing soul searching on forgiving another.
The person is Mark. It's been so hard for me to come to this. For years I've held on. Seeing my mom and how sick she is, I wonder how much of it is due to what happened. Seeing the rest of my family and the impact..its all been hard.
He has been gone for a year. It time to let go. It is time to forgive. So I found a prayer that I think says it all well...
"Father God, I need your help and your insights. Today I have gained a better understanding of forgiving others and with your help, I fully forgive from my heart. Just as you have freely forgiven me, I forgive them. Father, I ask you to forgive me for hurting others out of my own hurt and to heal my relationships with others. I pray all of this in Jesus' precious name and by whom all forgiveness and healing was made possible. Thank you for loving me in ways I'll never comprehend. In Jesus' name, Amen."
Friday, March 20, 2015
Rose
Just saw this article just now
Its things people shouldn't say to childless couples.
I find many of these to be true. One thing it left out is "oh your are selfish"...
Let me begin with saying there are a NUMBER of articles that have the reverse. "Things childless people shouldn't say to people with children" etc. etc.
From the time I was very young, I never thought I would have children. The thought was I would probably adopt.
We have talked about having kids, even figured it out a bit... then stopped. We are just uneasy about having our own child
Most of it stems from financial stress. We have talked a great deal about foster/adoption, its easier for us to accept helping a child that is here and not adding another...
but that is an even bigger burden financially...
We have our own school, which in many ways feels like our child. I know its not the same. But we care a great deal about it, and our students.
It painful to see our school not doing well because its as if we decided on that instead of children... and it hurts a great deal
When we talked about having children, we knew what names they would be. Particularly if it was a girl. My gut tells me that we'd end up with a girl..I don't know why.
Her name is Rose. We talk about her often, as if she existed here on earth. In fact I talk to her, pray to her, and tell her how sorry I am that she is not here with us.
From time to time, not having my own child rips me a part. Granted, if we did want kids I am not even sure if we can. We both have health issues first of all..
Rose is very special to me, and I feel in many ways its better that she stays in heaven as the angel she is.
When my sister was pregnant we talked about the name, and I told her that if she was considering Rose, she could use it.
She did. Every time I hear or see my niece. Its like a piece of my Rose is here.
We have been told "oh you'd be great parents" and encouraged to be parents.
We have also been told "it changes your life" "it takes up so much more of your time" which are true, yet discouraging.
The fact is. If we decided to (either on our own or adopt) we'd have to completely change our lives. We get that...
We can make those sacrifices... but we also want to be able to provide for them. I am still holding onto hope... but it feels like its fading.
Much like the idea of 'Rose'.
Friday, March 6, 2015
In Thailand
Been in Thailand for almost a week.
I was told this would be tough, I expected tough.
This is WAY more than that.
If I don't walk away with earning Level 1, I will feel like a failure.
Lord knows I am trying my guts out.
Friday, February 6, 2015
Heavy
Of all the things in my head to write about...I decide this. Heavy Metal.
It has been years...many years since I have listened to Heavy Metal.
Though I was listening to is less...after I got sick...I didn't like it anymore.
In fact, it made me feel sick... I found other music that motivated me and that I enjoyed. Some sad, some uplifting... none that bothered me.
Today I played Heavy Metal again...and enjoyed it. It felt like the only thing I could do to stay centered.
Today I had rough day. In a string of rough days.
Not only has it been rough...but more importantly I haven't been able to attend class. I'm guessing that is the trigger.
Three weeks from today I will be on a 32 hour flight, half way across the world.
I'll be leaving behind the biggest project of my life, my school, and my husband.
Overwhelmed doesn't explain it.
It feels like I have so much to do.
So many loose ends.
Feeling more worried about when I come back than enjoying the fact I am going to be in THAILAND, training MUAY THAI.
Ah!
Heavy Metal for some reason hit the spot today...
It has been years...many years since I have listened to Heavy Metal.
Though I was listening to is less...after I got sick...I didn't like it anymore.
In fact, it made me feel sick... I found other music that motivated me and that I enjoyed. Some sad, some uplifting... none that bothered me.
Today I played Heavy Metal again...and enjoyed it. It felt like the only thing I could do to stay centered.
Today I had rough day. In a string of rough days.
Not only has it been rough...but more importantly I haven't been able to attend class. I'm guessing that is the trigger.
Three weeks from today I will be on a 32 hour flight, half way across the world.
I'll be leaving behind the biggest project of my life, my school, and my husband.
Overwhelmed doesn't explain it.
It feels like I have so much to do.
So many loose ends.
Feeling more worried about when I come back than enjoying the fact I am going to be in THAILAND, training MUAY THAI.
Ah!
Heavy Metal for some reason hit the spot today...
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Tuesday
Have a few minutes so a progress update it is!
Yesterday - I finished my day with Steak, and a Lara Bar. I know Lara Bar is bad, and should have cooked more. Initially the steak has lots of mushrooms and onions, unfortunately my body was reacting bad to the coconut oil it was cooked in. This has been happening, so we might have to go back to cooking food in other things. It made me nauseous :(
Workout - 21 Day Fix - Dirty 30
Oh this was good! Had to do lots of modifiers, but I made it! I also really enjoyed it.
Water was not good enough...but I am trying to do better today.
Today - got my shakeo down the hatch, water bottle going strong.
Its a 'long' day for me - I have biking, karate, muay thai - and I am focused on getting all of those done and burn it up.
Lunch is steak, spinach, pears, and apples..can't wait!!
Yesterday - I finished my day with Steak, and a Lara Bar. I know Lara Bar is bad, and should have cooked more. Initially the steak has lots of mushrooms and onions, unfortunately my body was reacting bad to the coconut oil it was cooked in. This has been happening, so we might have to go back to cooking food in other things. It made me nauseous :(
Workout - 21 Day Fix - Dirty 30
Oh this was good! Had to do lots of modifiers, but I made it! I also really enjoyed it.
Water was not good enough...but I am trying to do better today.
Today - got my shakeo down the hatch, water bottle going strong.
Its a 'long' day for me - I have biking, karate, muay thai - and I am focused on getting all of those done and burn it up.
Lunch is steak, spinach, pears, and apples..can't wait!!
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