YES

I’m Not a Mother, but I Know Love.

Via Cath Wittenon Oct 5, 2015

When you’re a 30-something-year-old woman with no children, everyone has an opinion about it—and they love to tell you what it is.

I have heard everything from “you’ll change your mind,” to “maybe you just haven’t met the right guy yet,” to “who will look after you when you’re old?”

But perhaps the worst thing people like to say to me is, “You won’t know true love until you become a mother.”

I’m not saying I know the love a mother has for their child. How can I? I’m not a mother. But, condemning a woman to a loveless life if she has chosen not to (or has been unable to) have children seems a little unfair.

I’m not a mother, but does that mean I don’t know love?

I’m a teacher. I know what it feels like to watch a child grow and develop and learn. I know how it feels to want the very best for someone. I know how it feels to be invested in the progress and future of a child. I know what it’s like to show extreme patience and to fail at patience. I know what it means to be a part of another’s success and failures, joy and sorrow. I’ve wiped butts and spoon fed and cleaned up puke and sung to sleep. I’ve consoled heart break and calmed exam stress. I’ve sheltered, and I’ve opened doors. I’m not a mother, but I have mothered.

I’m not a mother, but does that mean I don’t know love?

I’m a lover. I’ve put my dreams on hold for the dreams of another. I have compromised and sacrificed. I’ve bathed the sick and the injured and nursed back to health. I’ve fed and I’ve cleaned up after. I’ve felt the gut-wrenching fear for the life of another. I’ve longed for and missed someone. My heart has skipped a beat at the sound of a ringing phone, and I have laid comfortably—content, knowing all is right with the world.

Vent

Oy. I need to vent. Big time.

This day feels like a terrible Monday, an accumulation of the chaos. All of which decided to blow up in my face.

So my main project has been intense....
My office drama is intense...
My second project is intense....


The school is moving...that is intense
Trying to reach out to kids...that is intense

A broken girl wanted Karate, we raised money...she started then stopped showing up.
I asked her to come in via another parent whose daughter is friends with her
She wanted to quit.  I tried to reach out. I tried. I tried. I tried.

Mom of broken girl interrupts class mad as hell telling me in front of other parents i was bad/mean to her child

Quick thinking we took it outside.
We talked...we agreed to move on.

My heart is broken and I feel like I am failing at everything...

I need prayers..

I lived

"I Lived" One Republic

Hope when you take that jump, you don't fear the fall
Hope when the water rises, you built a wall
Hope when the crowd screams out, they're screaming your name
Hope if everybody runs, you choose to stay

Hope that you fall in love, and it hurts so bad
The only way you can know is give it all you have
And I hope that you don't suffer but take the pain
Hope when the moment comes, you'll say...

I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second that this world could give
I saw so many places, the things that I did
With every broken bone, I swear I lived

Hope that you spend your days, but they all add up
And when that sun goes down, hope you raise your cup
Oh, I wish that I could witness all your joy and all your pain
But until my moment comes, I'll say...

I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second that this world could give
I saw so many places, the things that I did
With every broken bone, I swear I lived


With every broken bone, I swear I lived.
With every broken bone, I swear I...

I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second that this world could give
I saw so many places, the things that I did
With every broken bone, I swear I lived.

Almost mid life crisis

I think I have admitted before I am changing. This mid - life crises us heartbreaking.  So very torn on what to do. Asking God for guidance and just trying to be patient.  It is heart wrenching. 

Ug

This is a terrible post...
but I am overly anxious about it...
so hopefully it helps to let it out.

Today was a crappy day full of things just going wrong...and ...

It was mentioned today I am going home to see my mom
Randy says (jokingly) gee what is up with the moms

I said "well she's is deathly sick"

Yes. I am terrible I said out loud ...death.
I know we are all dying...and most of us don't even live in the first place.

Saying that made me fill with guilt and anxiety.

It feels so long since I have been afraid of loosing my mom.
Seem all the feelings from as long as 22 years ago bubble up...and more.

She is still here and I know I can't focus on it.
I know there is nothing I can do.

It just hurts.

...Meanwhile my day is crappy 
...Meanwhile I am going though a mid-life crisis.

Ug.

Forgiveness

Though there are SO many things I want to write about...but feel called to write on this.

Just before Thailand I new change was coming...during Thailand I felt it more so...and now after time has passed, I am still trying to understand what changes are happening and what to do about them.

So. Forgiveness.

My first thought is I wonder how many people tie it to religion.  But it's not about that...I think those that have faith and those that don't, accept an apology or forgive.

Lately I have been grappling with forgiveness.  Its always hard to forgive myself...and think it may be a life long effort for that.  But I've also been doing soul searching on forgiving another. 

The person is Mark. It's been so hard for me to come to this.  For years I've held on. Seeing my mom and how sick she is, I wonder how much of it is due to what happened. Seeing the rest of my family and the impact..its all been hard.

He has been gone for a year.  It time to let go.  It is time to forgive. So I found a prayer that I think says it all well...


"Father God, I need your help and your insights. Today I have gained a better understanding of forgiving others and with your help, I fully forgive from my heart. Just as you have freely forgiven me, I forgive them. Father, I ask you to forgive me for hurting others out of my own hurt and to heal my relationships with others. I pray all of this in Jesus' precious name and by whom all forgiveness and healing was made possible. Thank you for loving me in ways I'll never comprehend. In Jesus' name, Amen."

Rose

Just saw this article just now

http://www.shebudgets.com/lifestyle/things-never-say-couples-without-children/53827?utm_source=facebookpage&utm_medium=epic&utm_term=shebudgets&utm_campaign=neversaytocoupleschildrn&ts_pid=2

Its things people shouldn't say to childless couples.

I find many of these to be true. One thing it left out is "oh your are selfish"...

Let me begin with saying there are a NUMBER of articles that have the reverse. "Things childless people shouldn't say to people with children" etc. etc.

From the time I was very young, I never thought I would have children.  The thought was I would probably adopt.

We have talked about having kids, even figured it out a bit... then stopped.  We are just uneasy about having our own child

Most of it stems from financial stress.  We have talked a great deal about foster/adoption, its easier for us to accept helping a child that is here and not adding another...

but that is an even bigger burden financially...

We have our own school, which in many ways feels like our child. I know its not the same.  But we care a great deal about it, and our students.

It painful to see our school not doing well because its as if we decided on that instead of children... and it hurts a great deal

When we talked about having children, we knew what names they would be. Particularly if it was a girl. My gut tells me that we'd end up with a girl..I don't know why.

Her name is Rose. We talk about her often, as if she existed here on earth.  In fact I talk to her, pray to her, and tell her how sorry I am that she is not here with us.

From time to time, not having my own child rips me a part. Granted, if we did want kids I am not even sure if we can.  We both have health issues first of all..

Rose is very special to me, and I feel in many ways its better that she stays in heaven as the angel she is.

When my sister was pregnant we talked about the name, and I told her that if she was considering Rose, she could use it.

She did.  Every time I hear or see my niece. Its like a piece of my Rose is here.

We  have been told "oh you'd be great parents" and encouraged to be parents.

We have also been told "it changes your life" "it takes up so much more of your time" which are true, yet discouraging.

The fact is. If we decided to (either on our own or adopt) we'd have to completely change our lives.  We get that...

We can make those sacrifices... but we also want to be able to provide for them. I am still holding onto hope... but it feels like its fading. 

Much like the idea of 'Rose'.

In Thailand

Been in Thailand for almost a week.

I was told this would be tough, I expected tough.

This is WAY more than that.

If I don't walk away with earning Level 1, I will feel like a failure.

Lord knows I am trying my guts out.

Heavy

Of all the things in my head to write about...I decide this. Heavy Metal.

It has been years...many years since I have listened to Heavy Metal.
Though I was listening to is less...after I got sick...I didn't like it anymore.  
In fact, it made me feel sick... I found other music that motivated me and that I enjoyed. Some sad, some uplifting... none that bothered me.

Today I played Heavy Metal again...and enjoyed it.  It felt like the only thing I could do to stay centered.

Today I had rough day. In a string of rough days.  
Not only has it been rough...but more importantly I haven't been able to attend class.  I'm guessing that is the trigger.

Three weeks from today I will be on a 32 hour flight, half way across the world.
I'll be leaving behind the biggest project of my life, my school, and my husband.

Overwhelmed doesn't explain it.

It feels like I have so much to do.
So many loose ends.

Feeling more worried about when I come back than enjoying the fact I am going to be in THAILAND, training MUAY THAI.

Ah!

Heavy Metal for some reason hit the spot today...

Tuesday

Have a few minutes so a progress update it is!

Yesterday - I finished my day with Steak, and a Lara Bar. I know Lara Bar is bad, and should have cooked more. Initially the steak has lots of mushrooms and onions, unfortunately my body was reacting bad to the coconut oil it was cooked in.  This has been happening, so we might have to go back to cooking food in other things.  It made me nauseous  :(

Workout - 21 Day Fix - Dirty 30
Oh this was good! Had to do lots of modifiers, but I made it!  I also really enjoyed it.

Water was not good enough...but I am trying to do better today.

Today - got my shakeo down the hatch, water bottle going strong.
Its a 'long' day for me - I have biking, karate, muay thai - and I am focused on getting all of those done and burn it up.

Lunch is steak, spinach, pears, and apples..can't wait!!

Weekend Warrior

So here is the weekend wrap up!

Saturday I was feeling pretty good!

I did Karate and Muay Thai, and burnt some MAJOR Calories.
After class I got myself a new water bottles and shoes.  My old ones were very much dead.

Sunday I started the day off right with grocery shopping and eating a breakfast with lot of COLORS!

After that I did YOGA...boy did I need that!!!

Sundays are my naughty days.
So for lunch it was a Gluten Free Veggie Pizza with Chicken and later some chips with onions, peppers, a little cheese and some sour cream.  I also had a beer :/

Now onto Monday!
Started the day of with Shakeo Chocolate, LOTS of water.  Coming up next Salmon, Spinach, and Peaches!!

Saturday

So finish up on my post of yesterday...

This was my lunch.  I call it "craving salad".  It is at a place that is about 5 minute walk, and I use that time to try to relax and enjoy my walk.  Also, I try to hone into what I will want to eat.

So here is Tuna, Ham, Cottage Cheese (on top is some protein wheat thing), Swiss Cheese, Tomoatos, Corn, Banana Peppers. The one critical thing missing is green, they didn't have any green beans which I typically like... Here is my final Calorie count of the day. Dinner it was chicken and spinach. YUM

 

Now unto today. Started the day with a plain egg omlet, with just a dab of sour cream and a dash of blue cheese. My goal is to kick butt in classes today!

2015

This year, my main goal is to really try to stay on top of things this year!  be more organized and plan better.  

Day 1 (Jan 1) - Got my workout in!  My heartrate monitor wasn't placed right until 10 minutes in.
After the workout it read 112 or something. So I probably got close too burning 200 calories. Ah well.

Day 2- Walked to work burned over 100 calories.  I still have it going just to see what I burn at work.
I want to do better at seeing how I do.

Food Diary - Coffee, Shakeology so far.  I have peaches and a yogurt on deck!

Over the break I got a lot of marketing done for the school as well as setting up our new billing system I want to use.

Also - I put together Jeff's video that he wants to do. I wanted him to see what the final product would like like.

Obviously I am going to try to write more too!
56 days until Thailand.

Thankful Focus

More on Today's Thankful Focus: Sacrifice.

On Facebook I wrote:

Today's Thankful Focus: Sacrifice. You read that correctly, Sacrifice.

We all have decisions, daily. Some of which require sacrifice.
There are many things that I have sacrificed through the years to do the things I wanted to do and achieve.  Many of my sacrifices I feel that I have made for others. Sometimes they work out and sometimes they don't.  Some of which, are sacrifices that I will have for the rest of my life.

At the end of my life, I know I will look back and say it was worth it, and that is why I am thankful.

A little more:
In recent years, do not regret making sacrifices to make ends meet, to start and run our school, and to be a good architect and teacher. At the end of the day its all what I feel like I called to do.

Its easy many time to sacrifice for others, harder to do for yourself.  In 4 months. I will be in Thailand. I'll be sacrificing money, time, my job, helping with the school and so much more.  Just thinking about it drives up anxiety and excitement all at the same time.

4 Months..wow.

Spleen strikes

This is a cartoon photo of a happy spleen.  My spleen is not happy, unfortunately.

Doc says my spleen is why I am dizzy and its so bad he didn't want me to waste money on 'body work' as it wouldn't hold

It was kind of a bummer because I had thought I was doing everything I could... guess its not enough and I need to add more in and keep going. gah!

The other interesting questions delved into my emotional state.  He asked how my motivation was. I told him its been off. In fact I have been depressed. In a way I haven't felt in years.  I really don't feel like it is like me to not try or give up. My mind wants to, but my body is lethargic.  He said it points back to the spleen. 

So he gave me a list of items to add into the diet, Chinese pills to take and we will go from there.

Though I have been feeling this way for a month, overall I feel its better. So hopefully adding this other stuff in just helps me more and more.

Not going to lie, the depression has taken a big mental hold on me. I'm trying not to let it get to me or let it spiral.

being social

In a nutshell I really dislike being social.  It feels awkward, and most of the time it sends me into panic or anxiety.

I would say there were at least three phases in my life socially

Younger - I really didn't want to talk to people unless I had to. I had zero confidence.  I wanted to do my best to disappear.  If I opened up my mouth, people would know I was there and give them a chance to say something mean.

Now, some people were mean and they meant it.  I've been told its not always mean. I just never saw it that way.  If people said something, even in joking, I always thought there was truth behind it.

People say good things.  Sure they do, again that is what I have been told.  Again, I just don't see it that way. My mind says if someone is saying something good, they are lying or setting me up for a joke, or just saying something they don't mean to be nice.

College - I gained confidence, was around more people like me. Because of my school, I had to talk more. I gained confidence in talking.  Getting an A or B helped me know that, yes I am good enough.

I still felt the same way about people. They are mean.

Now - I've still gained confidence, with my job, teaching and martial arts I've seen results to make me feel good. Overall I feel better than my other phases. But I still revert and feel like my old self.

Recently I've tried being more social online, joining fitness groups.  I feel so dumb posting.  I lament to post, and beat myself up for whatever I say. 

I find myself saying.. this is all stupid, I should get off Facebook and just stop talking to people. It would be a lot easier.

The best way to explain how I feel that some people can relate too, is that it feels like an itchy sweater.  An itchy sweater that happens to be my own skin.  I can't get out of it, I just itch and itch. 
So many times I just have to wait to feel better about a post, a conversation, etch. Sometimes I pull myself away.  At work I didn't attend a group for three months, because the last time I was in there people laughed at me.  I just didn't want to feel that way at work.

In a nutshell, I dislike being social.  Very much so.

Train ride

Riding train to Salem....

end of week 3

This week I have been thankful for "normal work hours". Going home to rest and sleep.
Yesterday I rode my new bike for my first time, and went to classes.  Didn't do much but it felt good to be there.

Today I applied for my passport - they said it should be 3 weeks.
Fingers crossed

Week 3

Gah,  I haven't been very good at posting.

Or keeping up on my PIYO workout...
Or much of anything.

This project has sure taken a lot out of me.

Today I am hoping to get out at a decent hour..go home..and rest.

I am thankful that though my body is falling apart..that it is not nearly as bad as before.
My hope is to rest and give my body a chance to heal

Week 2. Day 2

Today I am thankful that the bird poop falling from the sky barely missed me.

I am hopeful to get my birth certificate soon, and the process to get a passport goes smooth and quick.
Trying not to beat myself up for not having this done sooner, but trying to keep faith that it all will work out in the end.