Competition 1 of 3

So it has all been building up to this. Competing as a Brown Belt, winning to earn it. There are three tournaments in about months time. ...And I am 0 for 1 :(

This is what I get for working myself sick...and not practicing to boot.  Though for the hand kata, I was told I did better than the top three. Not only in opinion, but score as well. Guess they don't know how to add.
Its ok though...you reap what you sow.

BUT  the BEST thing happened when they called my division.  I ran to my ring...and everyone followed me. They were so excited to see me and cheer me on. I wish I had done better for them :(

This is an iconic image of Boston..."Make Way for Ducklings" . Have to admit, I have been living in Boston for almost 10 years now and never gave "Make Way for Ducklings" a second thought until recently.  Last weekend I was completely humbled when my division was called, and as I am darting to my place I hear the "karate monkeys" following me so they could watch. There is nothing more enriching than teaching (as often as I can) and watching students learn and flourish.
I will do my best to May Way for our Ducklings...try to set a good example. I want so much for them.

Stop

Been thinking about writing this one for awhile..and have been writing this in bits and pieces

There are many rimes that I would love to shout..."stop making fun of me!!!" But then it would seem like I am a whiny crybaby, a wuss, immature, that I don't have a thick skin...etc etc.  When I do this I revert back into my old shell... the shell of the little girl I used to be.

Even now..it really does get frustrating though. People say they are kidding..and I get that..but what I don't get sometimes is that it feels like its me on that is the target of the jokes. If I join in and fire bad it feels like I am being mean.

It just sometimes feel that no matter the situation...I'm the object of the joke.  It really messes with me. Sometimes it overwhelms me. Many times when it just gets to be too much,  I wish I could just 'poof' disappear..just so it'd stop. Or make people realize how frustrating and sometimes how hurtful it can be.  It also leads me, very often, to not trust people on one level or another.  Especially when I get a compliment..  I am so used to negativity, that I question people's intention whey they give a compliment.  I'm always wondering when the jokes are going to start or when they will start picking me apart.

A few years ago, someone was asking me if I had any 'special' abilities. What I mean by that is..did  I have an awesome memory or can do high math.  I told them no and asked why.  They thought I was slightly Autistic.  What?!?!  I promptly said 'no!', and I'm not autistic.  When I asked him how he thought that, he told me.... He said its my speech and how its fragmented. He knew that people commonly mistake me for a foreigner and thought that my speech was part of it.  He also noted that I never looked him in the eyes.  This is not the first time I've been told I do this.  I was dating a guy that called me a liar cause I couldn't look him in the eye.

In recent years there has been a lot of talk on Autism and Aspergers. They are now realizing it's a spectrum.  I think in one way or another we are all part of this spectrum. A combination of our makeup, upbringing, life makes us in one part or another. Maybe I fit more on the spectrum than others...I don't know...

I honestly feel that I can't look people in the eye... because I'm afraid. When people look in my eyes maybe they will see how insecure and fragile I am and "call me out".  They will know my insecurities and know what they can say to make fun of me.  So very vulnerable.  It was looking in people's eyes that got me beat up in high-school.

It's weird because recently in the dojo we were talking about bullies. I mentioned I was bullied.  People were shocked. They said it seems that I am friendly and confident.  It was the second time in recently I was told this...and it was a nice surprise.  Jeff says "oh you should have seen her when she started martial arts!!"  I promptly respond with  "you should have met me in highschool"  The only people that "get this" in any meaningful way... is my family.

It's weird that even now I can revert back into my old shell sometimes..

5 years

It's been 5 years since you left this earth.  So glad you were a part of our family.  SO much has happened...and I have a feeling you already know....

 I've had three dreams about you.  The first was after you had passed...You were not in it, but my third grade teacher and grandma were talking...(both are passed on) about how you were going to arrive soon...The second  not too long after... mom was having a health scare. I was sitting on the grass and you appeared.  You told me that mom would be fine, and we hugged. Mom was fine, and is doing ok.  The second I don't remember as much, but I know I went to bed thinking heavily about you, missing you. Again I knew as I was dreaming that you were going to be there...and you were. We hugged.  I knew I was waking up, and I had to go to the bathroom. I held as long as I could but knew I we had to part.  I woke up feeling glad. 

I think of you a great deal... wondering what we'd talk about if you were still here, what advice you'd give me. Not too long ago that mom put Rossy to sleep. I sure hope that he is with you.  He's your buddy and you deserve each other.  

We all miss you.

I guess something this... Jeff shared this with me..not too long ago... the words are better fitting

https://www.facebook.com/video/embed?video_id=1421898844702540

Lyrics...

What does it look like in heaven
is it peaceful and free like they say
does the sun shine bright forever
have your fears and your pain gone away

cause Here on earth it feels like everything.. good is missing, since you left
here on earth everything is different, there is an emptiness

I hope your dancing in the sky
I hope your singing with the angels choir
I hope the angels, know what they have
I bet it's nice up in heaven since you arrived

Tell me, what do you do up in heaven
are your days filled with love and light
is there music? is there art and invention
tell me are you happy and more alive

cause Here on earth it feels like everything.. good is missing, since you left
here on earth everything is different, there is an emptiness

I hope your dancing in the sky
I hope your singing with the angels choir
I hope the angels, know what they have
I bet it's nice up in heaven since you arrived

Heartbroken

09/08/13

I am so so so very heartbroken.  Its so very hard to but into words how much I hurt right now. Our guys lost last night.  I am just numb.

Before the fight I was almost as nervous as I was for my own. After  the fights and after seeing them loose, I feel like somebody I love just passed away. 

Many people think this is stupid, exaggerating or whatever.  If they say this, my first thought is they don't know.  Or they don't care.

Fighting changes you. Watching others fight now, is so different.  Watching them lose, I feel like we let them down.  That they will never come back, not want to try again.

This hurts and hurts. 

6am.

Update 3pm.... dull ache. Wish it went different.  I wish I knew how to help them.  Wonder if they will work with me more. Wonder if they will come back...

I know its just a fight. We can't win them all.  But fighting reaches part of you that make you who you are. Maybe even parts you didn't even know existed.  You are faced with it and somehow you have to tread through it all....

I won. I felt like I did terrible. Felt like I lost. I had a hard time coming to grips with what I just did. As soon as the bell rung I went into 'fight or flight' and I just fought and fought and fought some more.  Looking back now I feel better about it.  And now...I want to go do it again.

Right now, I am facing the downside of being a teacher.  When the student looses.  I've seen Jeff's fighters win or loose but never have I felt so connected. It was a year ago I did it too. I've helped coach these guys.  One - since day 1.

Its going to be so hard for them to come back into class, I hope they do. I know our group is a bunch of guys that have a lot of respect.  So that part is good.
Hopefully they heal from injuries (mental and physical) and hopefully they train again and go out there again for redemption.

I know time will help me. I need to let it feed my own drive.  Do the things I need and want to do for myself.

They say...

They say... that you can search for signs...or sometimes they SCREAM at you in the face. And if it's too late...it burns a little.  Let me explain.

I've been ready to test for like 8 years.  6 years ago (when they were switching the system) I took a test thinking "okay lets do this". I failed. I let it go.

Since then I've done so much. I passed the LEED. I've been sick, scared to be terminally ill or disabled by it. I've lost family members.  I've been in the ring in a full contact Muay Thai match.  And along the way I've made some big work achievements

Recently I've started to think I should take these things.  I haven't been able to schedule as there was a black out period.  This week it was lifted.  I went to schedule...and couldn't. My authorization is so old that it lapsed.  I was upset. So phone calls and emails went out.  The lady that held the key said "why should I help you" and "I'm the only one here and don't know what to do". For a moment I thought..I can never test.  I was furious.  I prayed. I told Jeff, and he prayed.  A few hours later an email from the stubborn lady is in my inbox, giving me permission to extend my authorization.  I scheduled my first exam right away.  October 21st.

That day I told myself...its been long enough its time to just get these done.

In other news...I've known for quite sometime that to achieve Black Belt I need to get stronger, and look the part.  When talking about Muay Thai, I can achieve Kru (teacher)...if I was stronger and looked the part.  I've known for a year that if I want to fight again...I need to be stronger....  The trifecta of SCREAMING signs.  And last night came the burn.

Two of our students have their first fight this weekend. Jeff was saying how people have been dropping their fights and that is why everyone should be ready, if they want to fight, as things pop up last minute.  Yesterday Jeff tells me there is a Girl, at my weight that had her competitor drop out.  I could have fought this weekend.  BURN.

It's SO weird.  After my fight, I considered walking away from Martial Arts. I never wanted to do that again.  The training and the fighting, it changes you. Slowly but surely I got back into it. Teaching helped A LOT! I've been telling myself for a few months I want to go back in there. Recently with helping these guys with their fight, that urge has got REALLY strong.  Last night when I hear about this girl. I was so upset I could cry.  It's this feeling like "I have to go back"  (think Jack from LOST "We have to go back Kate!") BURN BURN BURN.


Today I am really sore...and I know I have a LOT on my plate. Last night I said to Jeff "my health is good, but I feel like one wrong turn and who knows, I have to fight for that next level like I did when I fought to get healthy"

Somehow I got to figure out a way to achieve these things screaming in my face.

Recently I ordered a Brown Belt, I fully intend on competing with it and winning.  Step 1.  and....October 21 is my first test. Step 1.

Dear

Dear Stella and Vera,

Recently you two started to go to "school". My oh my time is flying... It was just yesterday you two were born. Already your personalities are forming and shaping. You have the best life around you in a world that is full of both happy and sad. There is so much you know that the rest of us had forgotten, so much you are teaching us. There is oh so much more that you will see.

Change.  It can be tough.  There is the saying that the only thing constant is change. So much of  life is your outlook on change. Never forget you have the most amazing powers to create change. It tough being away from home. From mom. She misses you too. You are small eagles and you are beginning to  learn how to fly. Your wings are powerful. No matter what. Mom and all of your family is with you. Guiding you, supporting you and cheering you on.

I write this from over 700 miles away. My heart aches knowing how much i am missing out on. In my gut, I know I am meant to be here. At least for.now.  I think of you all the time and if i knew you needed something, anything I would do everything in my power to help. Now and always I am supporting you from far away. It's been so much fun hearing about you and reading the blog that tells me about your days and how much you are growing, changing and learning.

Going to your first school is the one of the first of your many adventures in your lives.  There are many to be had, and the possibilities are endless. There is so much you can accomplish, if only you set your mind to it and work hard.  No matter what you may do, I know one thing for sure, you will make your family proud.

You will be big strong eagles.

=)

Gaining steam.

Our summer program is gaining steam! We have had two people sign up with 6 more looking to sign up, hopefully over the next week.  We set out telling ourselves 10 is the magic number, knowing how unlikely we'd be. Having 8 would be tremendous. 

I enjoyed my week off and did a purge type cleaning on the house and first week back at work has been busy but not too crazy.  I've been having trouble with my knees so I went to see 'A'.  He gave me advice and more stuff for chinese tea.  Apparently my liver is acting up.  He also has me re-examine what I am eating. Though I haven't fallen off the wagon, nor am I anywhere near where I was nearly 5 years ago, I haven't been doing my very best.  Jeff has been talking about removing wheat from our diet, so we are going to do that.  It will help both of us in many many ways. I will also focus more on eating all the things I should be, meat, grapes, greens. 

I've done nothing on really training the way I want to train, and nothing I studying for the ARE. BAH!  I know I need to buckle down. It seems like there is always a million other things going on.

After yesterdays treatment, I woke up today sore, tired, and not feeling well. So I took today off. Guess my body needs the down time...